Sunday, September 25, 2011

Boy obsession territory

On Tuesday Chris and I emailed back and forth. He wrote, “Thanks AGAIN for the BEST Valentine’s Day EVER!! I just set up the pictures of us at my desk and it’s already giving me the warm and fuzzies every time I look at it!” He told I had looked like a goddess the night before and said he felt like the luckiest man in the world. He wrote, “Waking up to the last three mornings has really been uplifting and wonderful.  Sex with you is like reaching nirvana and just keeps getting better.” I felt lucky as well. I was so glad we had found each other.

We talked on the phone for an hour that night, mostly about my family and friends in Oklahoma. I was trying to give him a heads up on some things before we went.  

Then he offered to take me to see Josh Groban in concert on my birthday in Dallas. He said it could all be very romantic, that we could dress up, have a nice dinner, and be dorky romantic. Unfortunately, Josh Groban’s voice makes me want to rip my ear drums out. I’m the kind of person who is more into hard rock music. I felt guilty for turning down his romantic birthday idea but I had to be honest. He’s a big fan of Josh Groban though and said he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see him even though it was on my birthday. I felt very guilty for not wanting to go with him. I wanted to make him happy, but I also thought I might end up ruining the concert experience for him.

I discussed it with Sophie and Clare and found out that they both dislike Josh Groban. That made me feel better about the situation.

Chris and I emailed back and forth on Wednesday and he told me about his dream the night before. He dreamed we were in Oklahoma and visiting with a guy friend of mine/ex of mine, and suddenly the guy got physical with me and I was enjoying it. He said his heart was in his throat and he had to leave the room. I felt so bad for him. I hate dreams like that.

I instant messaged with Clare that day and talked a lot about Chris. She finally said, “Girl, you are slipping back into boy obsession territory. Every time I talk to you, you just talk about boys! You should not be talking to him all the time either! Keep yourself; you worked so hard on it. Don’t get all codependent or whatever again!” I hoped I wasn’t too bad about it. I still loved my alone time. It had been hard to get out of my last relationship because I was afraid of being alone. And it’s true that in a relationship I’ve always wanted someone who was my best friend. With Chris it was definitely getting serious and I enjoyed spending a lot of time with him and talking to him all the time. I didn’t want to feel like I needed a boyfriend. In the past I suppose I just felt incomplete if I didn’t have a boyfriend. After the breakup with my ex, I had finally felt happy with just being alone. I’ve always loved my alone time since I’m an only child, but in that time of being single I had finally begun to feel complete without a boyfriend. I understood Clare’s concern, and I didn’t want to be codependent. But I was definitely enjoying my new relationship with Chris.

Oddly, Chris told me he talked to his dad on Tuesday morning about me, and his dad told him to be cautious but also that he had nothing negative to say about me. His dad said I was pretty and that he knew I was making Chris happy; he just wanted Chris to be careful, probably because of his divorce the year before. He also chatted with his mom on Facebook and she asked how serious we were so she wouldn’t “start getting attached” to me.

Chris talked again about the failed Valentine’s Day delivery and what else he could do for me with the money. Again I felt guilty about the amount of money. He wrote, “The money means nothing because I got exactly what looked like something that would be better than ordinary flowers most people would get. You blew my mind with your gifts. I can’t believe how thoughtful and sweet you are. I wanted you to have something beautiful delivered to you that would make you feel as good as you make me feel. It just happened to cost money but it made me feel good because I wanted to hear and see your reaction to it. Now I am planning the next thing I can do to make you feel special. You and I have something rare. I am convinced of that. I want to spoil you because I feel spoiled by you.”

My heart warmed when I read that. I felt the same way. Spoiling him was fun because I loved making him happy and seeing him smile. I also loved doing romantic things for him and having romantic things done for me.

He mentioned how work was busy that day, and wrote, “Anytime I’m getting beat down I just glance over at your picture and realize how great life really is right now; so nothing is bugging me today!” I actually felt very happy at work that day too. I even made a list of the good things about that day. Some days I like to do that because it just reminds me of all the good things and helps me forget about the bad.

As the week went on I was planning what Chris and I would do in Oklahoma that weekend. He was going to meet my parents and a few of my friends. I wanted to take him to my favorite Mexican restaurant and boba tea place. I also wanted to show him places of significance in my life in Oklahoma, such as my university campus, my high school, my grandma’s house, and my parents’ old antique store.  I thought about taking him to the mall in my hometown where I always run into people I know. I thought it would kind of nice to run into people with him by my side. I have dated some losers in the past, and Chris was definitely a winner. It felt nice to be proud of the man I was dating and wanting to show him off.

I told Sophie I just hoped Chris would have a good time in Oklahoma and that my people there wouldn’t scare him too badly. Then again, it sounded like he had a variety of different types of people in his family, so hopefully he wouldn’t be freaked out by my family.

Sophie and I moved on to the topic of looking good for summer and I remembered that Chris said he wants to see me in a swimsuit. My immediate response was: “FML.” Sophie and I also talked about other self-improvement things we wanted to do such as learning other languages, writing more, and reading more books. I had all these ideas of things, but once I got off work and got home, I just wanted to relax. She said it felt very hard to fit in those things. In college I had a friend who worked a normal 40-hour a week job. We would hang out after she got off work and she would just want to lie on the couch and watch TV. Sometimes I would whine that we should go out and do something and she would say, “Anne, just wait until you have to work a 40-hour a week job.” Now I understand what she meant.

I planned on going to that marketing club on Thursday night and felt nervous because I knew Tyler would be there. It seemed so awkward. He now knew I was in a relationship.

That day I told Sophie, “I have an idea for a blog called ‘my boyfriend is moving.’”

Thursday, August 25, 2011


This was clearly my best Valentine’s Day ever. We made ourselves Facebook official that day. My friends in Oklahoma immediately started commenting that they needed to meet him. Tyler liked my changed relationship status on Facebook, which felt a little awkward to me. Chris and I also changed our Facebook profile pictures to a photo of us together. He changed his to the same one I did. I had to laugh at how goofy we were. I loved it.

My coworkers and I exchanged a few cards and candy. Cupcakes were in the kitchen for Valentine’s Day and two birthdays. I may have eaten three cupcakes over the course of the day.

Chris emailed me around lunch time, and asked, “Soooo did you get anything at work today?” I hadn’t received anything and wondered if he was sending me flowers. He kept asking throughout the day if I had received anything. Nothing came though. He tried calling their service center, but a message said they weren’t taking calls right now because of the holiday rush. He also sent an angry email. I was itching for the doorbell to ring at the office. I waited until 5:15, but nothing. He said he was sorry I didn’t get surprised today, and that the company had better make it up. I was a little sad because I’ve always wanted to receive flowers at work. At least he had tried.

He came over that night at 8:30. Before that I attempted to clean up some and make things romantic. I burned candles so my place would smell nice. I arrange his gifts on the bed. I put out ‘toys’ on the night stand. I set up a romantic play list of songs. When he knocked on the door I answered the door in lingerie – one of his gifts. He loved it. Everything went so well. I led him straight to the bedroom and turned on the play list. After a very long and enjoyable time of foreplay, sex, and gazing into each other’s eyes, he opened his gifts. He just seemed shocked that I did so much for him. He loved everything. His responses reminded me of myself. He pulled one thing at time out of the gift bag, examined it, and thanked me. His favorites were the card (which I practically wrote a novel on) and the photo collage I had made which included seven photos of us. By made, I mean I created it on Walmart’s website and had it printed, and then framed it. After opening all of his gifts, he hugged them and put the card over his heart. He said nobody has ever written such nice things about him, and he felt overwhelmed with love and happiness. It was wonderful. I felt extremely overwhelmed with love and happiness as well. He said that everyday can be like Valentine’s Day for us if we want it be. I had to agree. He added that next year we can do something even better for Valentine’s Day because he will have more time to plan. He said if we were in Washington we could be on a mountain overlooking the ocean. That definitely sold me on moving there.

We talked a little about the moving stuff again. He said he will have to buy me an HD webcam. We discussed things for a bit, and then ended it with him saying I need to visit him in Washington before I decide to move up there. Again, my biggest fear in all of it was whether I would be able to keep my job. I decided I would talk to HR first about the corporate policies before saying a word to my bosses. He said he went through the same thing when he first moved to Washington, and his company ended up letting him work from home.
That night I dreamed about receiving a bouquet of flowers at work. He slept over, and in the morning we discussed possibly taking a four day weekend to visit San Antonio. I had never been and we wanted to have some sort of vacation together before he moved.

Chris got an update from the flower company. Apparently he had bought me a big bouquet and Godiva chocolates. They were going to give him a refund instead of delivering the items late. He suggested that he could use the money from that to either buy me a new vacuum since mine barely worked or to pay for a hotel in San Antonio. I felt shocked because that seemed like a lot of money to spend. I couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty since I wasn’t used to a guy spending so much on me. 

I planned to take Chris with me to Oklahoma the next weekend to meet my family and friends. It seemed dorky to admit, but I wanted him to know all about me. We had admitted that we are both hopeless romantics.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Pregaming Valentine's Day

I met Chris at his dad’s house just before 8 p.m. and was quickly introduced to his grandparents and Heike. We sat around and chatted until about ten, then went to change into our ‘going out’ clothes. I was a little unsure about my outfit. I wore dark jeans, a lacy spaghetti strap shirt with lots of cleavage, and a short black jacket that came courtesy of Clare’s closet. I wasn’t used to showing cleavage and kept the jacket zipped up until we left the house.

Chris drove the four of us to Trinity Hall, an Irish pub in Dallas. Luckily, we found a table and were soon waited on. I was pleased to find that they served my favorite beer – Lindeman’s framboise. It’s a fruity Belgian beer. Abby and Heike tried it, and decided to order some too. We talked a lot, mainly about Germany in relation to the United States. Chris also kept sneaking glances at my chest. I felt a little awkward about being that exposed but I loved his attention.

Just after midnight we decided to try going dancing. We drove over to Greenville Avenue and looked around for a possible club. We soon found one, parked, and ran through the cold to the door. Once we were inside, Chris quickly bought shots for all of us. And again. He said we needed shots to be able to dance. I agreed. There weren’t too many people dancing, but we went for it. Abby could dance very well. I just stayed close to Chris. More girls soon joined us on the floor. After awhile it was getting hot so we decided to go to the upstairs balcony of the club. We walked up the stairs and found an outside bar and dancing area with a roof over it. Again, not many people were dancing, but we went for it. I guess Chris and I looked good together, because a few people started yelling for us to kiss. We couldn’t ignore that order and went for a deep kiss. People cheered and we laughed. I suppose they thought we had just met. We soon went back downstairs and danced until 2 a.m.

I had actually enjoyed myself. I have no rhythm whatsoever, but with Chris, dancing was fun. I slept over that night and spent the day with him and his family. That night, all ten of us went out for dinner at a barbecue restaurant so Heike could have some typical American food. We went back to his dad’s house after and decided to again wait until after ten before going out. Chris and I sat at the dining room table and spent a huge amount of time playing with a little box of magnets. We made strings of the balls of magnets and stuck them on our faces as if they were piercings. Of course we took photos of this.

The four of us got dressed up again. This time I went with a black, silky, lace top with short sleeves. First we drove to Deep Ellum in hopes of finding a good club. We found a parking spot in a lot and walked a few blocks. There was only one place and it didn’t look very fun for us. We walked back to the car to find a boot on it. A guy soon came up out of nowhere and informed us it would be $100 to remove the boot. We were shocked. He said we didn’t pay to park. We hadn’t seen a sign or anyone around when we had pulled up. He pointed to a tiny sign on the other end. We also realized his truck had been parked right by us when we had arrived and that he had been inside it at that time. Chris immediately took the defensive and asked why he hadn’t said anything to us then. The guy ignored the question and just kept saying it would be $100. Chris pointed out that the sign was tiny and there was no sign next to the entrance we had pulled into. The guy still kept saying it would be $100. I had the cash and offered to pay for it. Chris and Abby promised to pay me back. The boot finally came off and we left angrily.

We drove around complaining for a bit and finally found another club inside a hotel. This time we parked in the hotel parking garage. We got inside to find that the club was packed. Chris grabbed shots for us again and we all began dancing. More shots were taken. Dancing with him was fun. I loved being close to him and, yes, grinding on him. Abby and Heike found guys to dance with, though immediately told the guys they weren’t single. Surprisingly the guys seemed ok with that and just danced with them. We stayed until 2 a.m. again. I felt like I had got in a great workout from all the dancing.
I stayed the night with Chris again. Heike and his grandparents left around 10 a.m. the next day. Abby left soon after and hugged me goodbye. After that we went to my apartment to hang out.

We went for a walk on a trail behind my apartment complex. The weather was comfortable and it was nice being able to talk outside. We ended up talking about the future and love. He said he felt guilty about possibly saying I love you, then moving away a few months later. He also talked about his fear of going to school. He said he wouldn’t allow himself to fail at his goal to graduate, but he was a little nervous about it being tough and nervous because he would be giving up a good paying job for it. He said he was afraid that if I moved up there as well, that my friends and family would resent him. He didn’t want anyone to tell us that we are making a mistake. He said he had been trying to look at things from an outside perspective. He was trying to hold back his feelings but also felt like he should be completely open and honest with himself and me. I cried a lot as we talked. I just felt so emotional. He had exactly the personality I wanted in a partner, and seemed to be everything I could want out of a partner. I didn’t want to throw that away just because he was moving. He also said he never wants to hurt me. I told him he makes me happy and that was what mattered. We also discussed how things would be different if we were together in Washington because he will be broke and busy with school. Right now he had excess money and plenty of free time. I told him it would be fine because he’s working toward an important goal. We also talked a lot about our families. I told him about my grandma who passed away last fall and I cried because she and he would never meet. I wanted him to meet my family.

We joked that we were “pregaming” for Valentine’s Day, which was the next day. He gave me my gift, a Roku. It’s a box that connects to your television to stream Netflix, Hulu Plus, Pandora, etc. Clare had one and I had fallen in love with it while visiting her. I gave him a few gifts as well. That night we talked about our mutual love of antiques, and I pulled out my bisque doll collection from around the 1920s to show him. I hadn’t looked at them in at least two years so they were almost new to me. He looked closely at each one, around thirty of them, and we talked about the markings and what they meant as far as the age of the dolls. Next I showed him a scrapbook type thing I had made for English class in the year 2000. It is a super nerdy scrapbook. I was extremely embarrassed and he was cracking up over it. But it was wonderful sharing these things with him.

We cooked dinner together for the first time as part of our Valentine’s Day pregaming. We picked adobo-lime chicken tacos from my pile of recipes to try. They were freaking delicious and easy to make. The hardest part was making flour tortillas by hand. They taste a zillion times better than store bought though.

We got in bed around 11:30 p.m. I was having a hard time falling asleep because I still had a headache from the crying earlier in the day. He kept looking at the clock and saying things like, “15 minutes til Valentine’s Day!” Once the clock struck midnight, he said, “Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m not going to hold back anymore when I want to say I love you. Anne, I love you.” I immediately said, “I love you too, Chris,” and turned the lamp back on so I could look into his eyes. Our eyes met and we looked into each other’s eyes for a minute before hugging and curling up together to go to sleep.  

Friday, July 29, 2011

Could we know this soon?

That night I went to his house to stay the night since it was supposed to snow and ice again over night. We both worked from his house the next day. It was great being able to work side by side. He told me, “It seems like the better we get to know each other the more enjoyable our time together becomes.” We started calling each other the best boyfriend and best girlfriend ever. We also basically said I love you without saying it. He said he didn’t want to say it for a long time, but then was saying, “Could we know this soon?” We both admitted that we have had to stop ourselves from saying it. We had mouthed it to each other the night before. He also said to me, “I’m thinking that right now.” So we were playing the game of saying it without saying it.

We discussed the move some more. I basically told him that if things continue to go well while he’s there and for a few months after he leaves, then I will move up there. It excited me to no end. I just hoped my company would be ok with that.

We continued to be corny throughout the day. We laughed at ourselves, but kept it up. We agreed that what we have seems rare. He said, “You fill a hole in my heart that I didn’t know I had.” I started to think we should quit worrying about the future. I was beginning to accept that my life would be great no matter what. Even if we changed our minds about each other, at least we had some great times together. We said we should always be open with each other, even if it was negative, because that was the key to making a relationship work.

Our sex life was going well too, in that it was getting better every time and that we were able to be open with each other. It happened three times that day in his king size bed, and after the third time we both admitted that we were sore and wouldn’t be able to do it again even if we wanted to. Chris said he felt like he could be more open with me than anyone he had ever slept with, and I felt the same way. After sex, we would just lie in the bed holding each other and looking into each other’s eyes. Looking back on it, Chris says, “If saying I love you was hard to not say just being around you in general, not saying it after the mind blowing sex we had was next to impossible.”

On Thursday I spent some time thinking about my goals, and about if I ended up moving. I had started getting into the idea of not buying things I didn’t need. I decided I would rather save my money for something like moving. I wanted a new television because I had an old, crappy one, but I would rather save the money for moving. Plus, I wouldn’t want to haul a television across the country. These kinds of things were running through my mind that day.

Chris hinted that he was having something sent to my office for Valentine’s Day. I was extremely excited. My ex had not been particularly romantic, so it was very refreshing to have this again. I’ll admit it – I love being spoiled. After all, I am an only child.

On Friday we planned to go out with his sister and his cousin from Germany. I was feeling extremely tired at work that day and hoped I would be able to perk up after I left work. I don’t go out dancing or barhopping very often, so I wasn’t used to being up that late, especially after a full day at work. Chris went home for lunch and was able to meet his German cousin, Heike, at that time. He found she liked drinking and “dancing to electronic music,” so that was our plan for the evening. I can’t dance. I have no rhythm whatsoever. He said, “I know, I know, you can’t dance. No worries. We are all white. I just want to have my body against you so it will be fun even if we aren’t any good at dancing.” I couldn’t argue with that.

I told Clare I was going out dancing that night, and she filled up our instant message screen with a lot of “lololololol,” “LOL,” and “hahahahaha.” My lack of rhythm was well known. She suggested I take a few shots to get through it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

On a time limit

Sophie and I met Chris at Chuy’s at 8 p.m., right after he got off work. They immediately hit it off and were soon making gross jokes. Yes, the talk turned to poop. They seemed to have an obsession with talking about it. I just kept laughing. Then their discussion turned to how they get grossed out about anything to do with the nose. I found it hilarious that they could talk openly about poop, but felt so disgusted by nose stuff. And I loved that they hit it off immediately.

After I got home that night, I started reading a self-help book my counselor had recommended to me. I felt like a dork about reading it but it did make me think. The book talked a lot about how we shouldn’t blame our unhappiness on others. It reminded me of how much my ex had annoyed me and how much I had wanted him to change. I had hoped he would change. For awhile I had even tried to be okay with who he was. I shouldn’t have thought I could change someone else or tried to force myself to be happy with someone who clearly wasn’t right for me. Thinking about that made me feel even better about my relationship with Chris. He had the personality traits I wanted in a relationship.

The next day Chris sent me possibly the longest email I had ever received. It discussed our future and his move. He wrote, “I hope you really think about what is going on with us and can make your decision about us smartly.” He said his situation in Washington will be one hundred percent different than it is now, and would make our interactions very different. He said, “In my opinion if I were you I would be thinking less about making the relationship work and more about, ‘Do I want to live in the Seattle area any time soon?’” He said he would be following his plans no matter what; that he really likes me but I would have to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. He said it made him sad to think our relationship may be on a time limit. He wrote that he was considering deleting his whole email and just emailing me about Valentine’s Day and other happy things. He said he felt better though if he knew I was thinking about us and the scenario we were facing.

“I have never felt so strongly so quickly about someone as I do with you,” he wrote. The best case scenario he could think of for us was if I looked into the move and found it if I could transfer there or find a new job. Then I stay here until my apartment lease is up and save up as much money as I can. If I moved up there, we would be living separately and in different towns, him with his best friends there. He said his next year was completely planned out, and if we made it through that year, anything would be possible.

I wasn’t sure if my bosses would let me transfer to another office quite yet. I had been with the company for just over a year and a half. I had tried to not think too much about the moving situation because I wanted to enjoy the present. I felt I should stay at my office for at least another year to gain more trust and experience before I asked to transfer. I doubted I would be able to any time this year. I wasn’t worried about moving. I wanted to go somewhere new, and the west coast sounded amazing. My only worry was job security. Maybe I worry too much, but I liked my job and wanted to keep it. I didn’t want to have to find a new one. I thought about discussing the possibility of moving at my annual review in July. My lease ended in October. My credit card debt and my car would be paid off this year. After that I could start saving for moving. And maybe my bosses would agree to possibly let me move after this year.

Chris added that while he would be in Texas, he was going to enjoy every second he got to spend with me. He wrote, “I know things like this are not at all common. I’m not just ‘infatuated’ with you.” He said he knew we were an amazing match, but to remember that there are other men out there. He didn’t want me to end up resenting him for moving. He also said he wasn’t sure if people are meant to be with one person their whole lives, since we all change so much. He couldn’t believe how much he had changed in the past five or so years. I agreed that we all change a lot over time. My coworker had just pointed out how much I have changed in the past year, and for the better. I felt I got to know myself better all the time.

His email made me feel emotional. Our scenario did kind of suck. But in a way it was awesome because it proved to me that he didn’t want to stay in the same place the rest of his life. My exes had been unmotivated people who had no interest in moving out of state. I wanted to see the world, so that had driven me insane. It was refreshing to be dating someone with so much passion for life.