Sunday, September 25, 2011

Boy obsession territory

On Tuesday Chris and I emailed back and forth. He wrote, “Thanks AGAIN for the BEST Valentine’s Day EVER!! I just set up the pictures of us at my desk and it’s already giving me the warm and fuzzies every time I look at it!” He told I had looked like a goddess the night before and said he felt like the luckiest man in the world. He wrote, “Waking up to the last three mornings has really been uplifting and wonderful.  Sex with you is like reaching nirvana and just keeps getting better.” I felt lucky as well. I was so glad we had found each other.

We talked on the phone for an hour that night, mostly about my family and friends in Oklahoma. I was trying to give him a heads up on some things before we went.  

Then he offered to take me to see Josh Groban in concert on my birthday in Dallas. He said it could all be very romantic, that we could dress up, have a nice dinner, and be dorky romantic. Unfortunately, Josh Groban’s voice makes me want to rip my ear drums out. I’m the kind of person who is more into hard rock music. I felt guilty for turning down his romantic birthday idea but I had to be honest. He’s a big fan of Josh Groban though and said he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see him even though it was on my birthday. I felt very guilty for not wanting to go with him. I wanted to make him happy, but I also thought I might end up ruining the concert experience for him.

I discussed it with Sophie and Clare and found out that they both dislike Josh Groban. That made me feel better about the situation.

Chris and I emailed back and forth on Wednesday and he told me about his dream the night before. He dreamed we were in Oklahoma and visiting with a guy friend of mine/ex of mine, and suddenly the guy got physical with me and I was enjoying it. He said his heart was in his throat and he had to leave the room. I felt so bad for him. I hate dreams like that.

I instant messaged with Clare that day and talked a lot about Chris. She finally said, “Girl, you are slipping back into boy obsession territory. Every time I talk to you, you just talk about boys! You should not be talking to him all the time either! Keep yourself; you worked so hard on it. Don’t get all codependent or whatever again!” I hoped I wasn’t too bad about it. I still loved my alone time. It had been hard to get out of my last relationship because I was afraid of being alone. And it’s true that in a relationship I’ve always wanted someone who was my best friend. With Chris it was definitely getting serious and I enjoyed spending a lot of time with him and talking to him all the time. I didn’t want to feel like I needed a boyfriend. In the past I suppose I just felt incomplete if I didn’t have a boyfriend. After the breakup with my ex, I had finally felt happy with just being alone. I’ve always loved my alone time since I’m an only child, but in that time of being single I had finally begun to feel complete without a boyfriend. I understood Clare’s concern, and I didn’t want to be codependent. But I was definitely enjoying my new relationship with Chris.

Oddly, Chris told me he talked to his dad on Tuesday morning about me, and his dad told him to be cautious but also that he had nothing negative to say about me. His dad said I was pretty and that he knew I was making Chris happy; he just wanted Chris to be careful, probably because of his divorce the year before. He also chatted with his mom on Facebook and she asked how serious we were so she wouldn’t “start getting attached” to me.

Chris talked again about the failed Valentine’s Day delivery and what else he could do for me with the money. Again I felt guilty about the amount of money. He wrote, “The money means nothing because I got exactly what looked like something that would be better than ordinary flowers most people would get. You blew my mind with your gifts. I can’t believe how thoughtful and sweet you are. I wanted you to have something beautiful delivered to you that would make you feel as good as you make me feel. It just happened to cost money but it made me feel good because I wanted to hear and see your reaction to it. Now I am planning the next thing I can do to make you feel special. You and I have something rare. I am convinced of that. I want to spoil you because I feel spoiled by you.”

My heart warmed when I read that. I felt the same way. Spoiling him was fun because I loved making him happy and seeing him smile. I also loved doing romantic things for him and having romantic things done for me.

He mentioned how work was busy that day, and wrote, “Anytime I’m getting beat down I just glance over at your picture and realize how great life really is right now; so nothing is bugging me today!” I actually felt very happy at work that day too. I even made a list of the good things about that day. Some days I like to do that because it just reminds me of all the good things and helps me forget about the bad.

As the week went on I was planning what Chris and I would do in Oklahoma that weekend. He was going to meet my parents and a few of my friends. I wanted to take him to my favorite Mexican restaurant and boba tea place. I also wanted to show him places of significance in my life in Oklahoma, such as my university campus, my high school, my grandma’s house, and my parents’ old antique store.  I thought about taking him to the mall in my hometown where I always run into people I know. I thought it would kind of nice to run into people with him by my side. I have dated some losers in the past, and Chris was definitely a winner. It felt nice to be proud of the man I was dating and wanting to show him off.

I told Sophie I just hoped Chris would have a good time in Oklahoma and that my people there wouldn’t scare him too badly. Then again, it sounded like he had a variety of different types of people in his family, so hopefully he wouldn’t be freaked out by my family.

Sophie and I moved on to the topic of looking good for summer and I remembered that Chris said he wants to see me in a swimsuit. My immediate response was: “FML.” Sophie and I also talked about other self-improvement things we wanted to do such as learning other languages, writing more, and reading more books. I had all these ideas of things, but once I got off work and got home, I just wanted to relax. She said it felt very hard to fit in those things. In college I had a friend who worked a normal 40-hour a week job. We would hang out after she got off work and she would just want to lie on the couch and watch TV. Sometimes I would whine that we should go out and do something and she would say, “Anne, just wait until you have to work a 40-hour a week job.” Now I understand what she meant.

I planned on going to that marketing club on Thursday night and felt nervous because I knew Tyler would be there. It seemed so awkward. He now knew I was in a relationship.

That day I told Sophie, “I have an idea for a blog called ‘my boyfriend is moving.’”

Thursday, August 25, 2011


This was clearly my best Valentine’s Day ever. We made ourselves Facebook official that day. My friends in Oklahoma immediately started commenting that they needed to meet him. Tyler liked my changed relationship status on Facebook, which felt a little awkward to me. Chris and I also changed our Facebook profile pictures to a photo of us together. He changed his to the same one I did. I had to laugh at how goofy we were. I loved it.

My coworkers and I exchanged a few cards and candy. Cupcakes were in the kitchen for Valentine’s Day and two birthdays. I may have eaten three cupcakes over the course of the day.

Chris emailed me around lunch time, and asked, “Soooo did you get anything at work today?” I hadn’t received anything and wondered if he was sending me flowers. He kept asking throughout the day if I had received anything. Nothing came though. He tried calling their service center, but a message said they weren’t taking calls right now because of the holiday rush. He also sent an angry email. I was itching for the doorbell to ring at the office. I waited until 5:15, but nothing. He said he was sorry I didn’t get surprised today, and that the company had better make it up. I was a little sad because I’ve always wanted to receive flowers at work. At least he had tried.

He came over that night at 8:30. Before that I attempted to clean up some and make things romantic. I burned candles so my place would smell nice. I arrange his gifts on the bed. I put out ‘toys’ on the night stand. I set up a romantic play list of songs. When he knocked on the door I answered the door in lingerie – one of his gifts. He loved it. Everything went so well. I led him straight to the bedroom and turned on the play list. After a very long and enjoyable time of foreplay, sex, and gazing into each other’s eyes, he opened his gifts. He just seemed shocked that I did so much for him. He loved everything. His responses reminded me of myself. He pulled one thing at time out of the gift bag, examined it, and thanked me. His favorites were the card (which I practically wrote a novel on) and the photo collage I had made which included seven photos of us. By made, I mean I created it on Walmart’s website and had it printed, and then framed it. After opening all of his gifts, he hugged them and put the card over his heart. He said nobody has ever written such nice things about him, and he felt overwhelmed with love and happiness. It was wonderful. I felt extremely overwhelmed with love and happiness as well. He said that everyday can be like Valentine’s Day for us if we want it be. I had to agree. He added that next year we can do something even better for Valentine’s Day because he will have more time to plan. He said if we were in Washington we could be on a mountain overlooking the ocean. That definitely sold me on moving there.

We talked a little about the moving stuff again. He said he will have to buy me an HD webcam. We discussed things for a bit, and then ended it with him saying I need to visit him in Washington before I decide to move up there. Again, my biggest fear in all of it was whether I would be able to keep my job. I decided I would talk to HR first about the corporate policies before saying a word to my bosses. He said he went through the same thing when he first moved to Washington, and his company ended up letting him work from home.
That night I dreamed about receiving a bouquet of flowers at work. He slept over, and in the morning we discussed possibly taking a four day weekend to visit San Antonio. I had never been and we wanted to have some sort of vacation together before he moved.

Chris got an update from the flower company. Apparently he had bought me a big bouquet and Godiva chocolates. They were going to give him a refund instead of delivering the items late. He suggested that he could use the money from that to either buy me a new vacuum since mine barely worked or to pay for a hotel in San Antonio. I felt shocked because that seemed like a lot of money to spend. I couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty since I wasn’t used to a guy spending so much on me. 

I planned to take Chris with me to Oklahoma the next weekend to meet my family and friends. It seemed dorky to admit, but I wanted him to know all about me. We had admitted that we are both hopeless romantics.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Pregaming Valentine's Day

I met Chris at his dad’s house just before 8 p.m. and was quickly introduced to his grandparents and Heike. We sat around and chatted until about ten, then went to change into our ‘going out’ clothes. I was a little unsure about my outfit. I wore dark jeans, a lacy spaghetti strap shirt with lots of cleavage, and a short black jacket that came courtesy of Clare’s closet. I wasn’t used to showing cleavage and kept the jacket zipped up until we left the house.

Chris drove the four of us to Trinity Hall, an Irish pub in Dallas. Luckily, we found a table and were soon waited on. I was pleased to find that they served my favorite beer – Lindeman’s framboise. It’s a fruity Belgian beer. Abby and Heike tried it, and decided to order some too. We talked a lot, mainly about Germany in relation to the United States. Chris also kept sneaking glances at my chest. I felt a little awkward about being that exposed but I loved his attention.

Just after midnight we decided to try going dancing. We drove over to Greenville Avenue and looked around for a possible club. We soon found one, parked, and ran through the cold to the door. Once we were inside, Chris quickly bought shots for all of us. And again. He said we needed shots to be able to dance. I agreed. There weren’t too many people dancing, but we went for it. Abby could dance very well. I just stayed close to Chris. More girls soon joined us on the floor. After awhile it was getting hot so we decided to go to the upstairs balcony of the club. We walked up the stairs and found an outside bar and dancing area with a roof over it. Again, not many people were dancing, but we went for it. I guess Chris and I looked good together, because a few people started yelling for us to kiss. We couldn’t ignore that order and went for a deep kiss. People cheered and we laughed. I suppose they thought we had just met. We soon went back downstairs and danced until 2 a.m.

I had actually enjoyed myself. I have no rhythm whatsoever, but with Chris, dancing was fun. I slept over that night and spent the day with him and his family. That night, all ten of us went out for dinner at a barbecue restaurant so Heike could have some typical American food. We went back to his dad’s house after and decided to again wait until after ten before going out. Chris and I sat at the dining room table and spent a huge amount of time playing with a little box of magnets. We made strings of the balls of magnets and stuck them on our faces as if they were piercings. Of course we took photos of this.

The four of us got dressed up again. This time I went with a black, silky, lace top with short sleeves. First we drove to Deep Ellum in hopes of finding a good club. We found a parking spot in a lot and walked a few blocks. There was only one place and it didn’t look very fun for us. We walked back to the car to find a boot on it. A guy soon came up out of nowhere and informed us it would be $100 to remove the boot. We were shocked. He said we didn’t pay to park. We hadn’t seen a sign or anyone around when we had pulled up. He pointed to a tiny sign on the other end. We also realized his truck had been parked right by us when we had arrived and that he had been inside it at that time. Chris immediately took the defensive and asked why he hadn’t said anything to us then. The guy ignored the question and just kept saying it would be $100. Chris pointed out that the sign was tiny and there was no sign next to the entrance we had pulled into. The guy still kept saying it would be $100. I had the cash and offered to pay for it. Chris and Abby promised to pay me back. The boot finally came off and we left angrily.

We drove around complaining for a bit and finally found another club inside a hotel. This time we parked in the hotel parking garage. We got inside to find that the club was packed. Chris grabbed shots for us again and we all began dancing. More shots were taken. Dancing with him was fun. I loved being close to him and, yes, grinding on him. Abby and Heike found guys to dance with, though immediately told the guys they weren’t single. Surprisingly the guys seemed ok with that and just danced with them. We stayed until 2 a.m. again. I felt like I had got in a great workout from all the dancing.
I stayed the night with Chris again. Heike and his grandparents left around 10 a.m. the next day. Abby left soon after and hugged me goodbye. After that we went to my apartment to hang out.

We went for a walk on a trail behind my apartment complex. The weather was comfortable and it was nice being able to talk outside. We ended up talking about the future and love. He said he felt guilty about possibly saying I love you, then moving away a few months later. He also talked about his fear of going to school. He said he wouldn’t allow himself to fail at his goal to graduate, but he was a little nervous about it being tough and nervous because he would be giving up a good paying job for it. He said he was afraid that if I moved up there as well, that my friends and family would resent him. He didn’t want anyone to tell us that we are making a mistake. He said he had been trying to look at things from an outside perspective. He was trying to hold back his feelings but also felt like he should be completely open and honest with himself and me. I cried a lot as we talked. I just felt so emotional. He had exactly the personality I wanted in a partner, and seemed to be everything I could want out of a partner. I didn’t want to throw that away just because he was moving. He also said he never wants to hurt me. I told him he makes me happy and that was what mattered. We also discussed how things would be different if we were together in Washington because he will be broke and busy with school. Right now he had excess money and plenty of free time. I told him it would be fine because he’s working toward an important goal. We also talked a lot about our families. I told him about my grandma who passed away last fall and I cried because she and he would never meet. I wanted him to meet my family.

We joked that we were “pregaming” for Valentine’s Day, which was the next day. He gave me my gift, a Roku. It’s a box that connects to your television to stream Netflix, Hulu Plus, Pandora, etc. Clare had one and I had fallen in love with it while visiting her. I gave him a few gifts as well. That night we talked about our mutual love of antiques, and I pulled out my bisque doll collection from around the 1920s to show him. I hadn’t looked at them in at least two years so they were almost new to me. He looked closely at each one, around thirty of them, and we talked about the markings and what they meant as far as the age of the dolls. Next I showed him a scrapbook type thing I had made for English class in the year 2000. It is a super nerdy scrapbook. I was extremely embarrassed and he was cracking up over it. But it was wonderful sharing these things with him.

We cooked dinner together for the first time as part of our Valentine’s Day pregaming. We picked adobo-lime chicken tacos from my pile of recipes to try. They were freaking delicious and easy to make. The hardest part was making flour tortillas by hand. They taste a zillion times better than store bought though.

We got in bed around 11:30 p.m. I was having a hard time falling asleep because I still had a headache from the crying earlier in the day. He kept looking at the clock and saying things like, “15 minutes til Valentine’s Day!” Once the clock struck midnight, he said, “Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m not going to hold back anymore when I want to say I love you. Anne, I love you.” I immediately said, “I love you too, Chris,” and turned the lamp back on so I could look into his eyes. Our eyes met and we looked into each other’s eyes for a minute before hugging and curling up together to go to sleep.  

Friday, July 29, 2011

Could we know this soon?

That night I went to his house to stay the night since it was supposed to snow and ice again over night. We both worked from his house the next day. It was great being able to work side by side. He told me, “It seems like the better we get to know each other the more enjoyable our time together becomes.” We started calling each other the best boyfriend and best girlfriend ever. We also basically said I love you without saying it. He said he didn’t want to say it for a long time, but then was saying, “Could we know this soon?” We both admitted that we have had to stop ourselves from saying it. We had mouthed it to each other the night before. He also said to me, “I’m thinking that right now.” So we were playing the game of saying it without saying it.

We discussed the move some more. I basically told him that if things continue to go well while he’s there and for a few months after he leaves, then I will move up there. It excited me to no end. I just hoped my company would be ok with that.

We continued to be corny throughout the day. We laughed at ourselves, but kept it up. We agreed that what we have seems rare. He said, “You fill a hole in my heart that I didn’t know I had.” I started to think we should quit worrying about the future. I was beginning to accept that my life would be great no matter what. Even if we changed our minds about each other, at least we had some great times together. We said we should always be open with each other, even if it was negative, because that was the key to making a relationship work.

Our sex life was going well too, in that it was getting better every time and that we were able to be open with each other. It happened three times that day in his king size bed, and after the third time we both admitted that we were sore and wouldn’t be able to do it again even if we wanted to. Chris said he felt like he could be more open with me than anyone he had ever slept with, and I felt the same way. After sex, we would just lie in the bed holding each other and looking into each other’s eyes. Looking back on it, Chris says, “If saying I love you was hard to not say just being around you in general, not saying it after the mind blowing sex we had was next to impossible.”

On Thursday I spent some time thinking about my goals, and about if I ended up moving. I had started getting into the idea of not buying things I didn’t need. I decided I would rather save my money for something like moving. I wanted a new television because I had an old, crappy one, but I would rather save the money for moving. Plus, I wouldn’t want to haul a television across the country. These kinds of things were running through my mind that day.

Chris hinted that he was having something sent to my office for Valentine’s Day. I was extremely excited. My ex had not been particularly romantic, so it was very refreshing to have this again. I’ll admit it – I love being spoiled. After all, I am an only child.

On Friday we planned to go out with his sister and his cousin from Germany. I was feeling extremely tired at work that day and hoped I would be able to perk up after I left work. I don’t go out dancing or barhopping very often, so I wasn’t used to being up that late, especially after a full day at work. Chris went home for lunch and was able to meet his German cousin, Heike, at that time. He found she liked drinking and “dancing to electronic music,” so that was our plan for the evening. I can’t dance. I have no rhythm whatsoever. He said, “I know, I know, you can’t dance. No worries. We are all white. I just want to have my body against you so it will be fun even if we aren’t any good at dancing.” I couldn’t argue with that.

I told Clare I was going out dancing that night, and she filled up our instant message screen with a lot of “lololololol,” “LOL,” and “hahahahaha.” My lack of rhythm was well known. She suggested I take a few shots to get through it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

On a time limit

Sophie and I met Chris at Chuy’s at 8 p.m., right after he got off work. They immediately hit it off and were soon making gross jokes. Yes, the talk turned to poop. They seemed to have an obsession with talking about it. I just kept laughing. Then their discussion turned to how they get grossed out about anything to do with the nose. I found it hilarious that they could talk openly about poop, but felt so disgusted by nose stuff. And I loved that they hit it off immediately.

After I got home that night, I started reading a self-help book my counselor had recommended to me. I felt like a dork about reading it but it did make me think. The book talked a lot about how we shouldn’t blame our unhappiness on others. It reminded me of how much my ex had annoyed me and how much I had wanted him to change. I had hoped he would change. For awhile I had even tried to be okay with who he was. I shouldn’t have thought I could change someone else or tried to force myself to be happy with someone who clearly wasn’t right for me. Thinking about that made me feel even better about my relationship with Chris. He had the personality traits I wanted in a relationship.

The next day Chris sent me possibly the longest email I had ever received. It discussed our future and his move. He wrote, “I hope you really think about what is going on with us and can make your decision about us smartly.” He said his situation in Washington will be one hundred percent different than it is now, and would make our interactions very different. He said, “In my opinion if I were you I would be thinking less about making the relationship work and more about, ‘Do I want to live in the Seattle area any time soon?’” He said he would be following his plans no matter what; that he really likes me but I would have to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. He said it made him sad to think our relationship may be on a time limit. He wrote that he was considering deleting his whole email and just emailing me about Valentine’s Day and other happy things. He said he felt better though if he knew I was thinking about us and the scenario we were facing.

“I have never felt so strongly so quickly about someone as I do with you,” he wrote. The best case scenario he could think of for us was if I looked into the move and found it if I could transfer there or find a new job. Then I stay here until my apartment lease is up and save up as much money as I can. If I moved up there, we would be living separately and in different towns, him with his best friends there. He said his next year was completely planned out, and if we made it through that year, anything would be possible.

I wasn’t sure if my bosses would let me transfer to another office quite yet. I had been with the company for just over a year and a half. I had tried to not think too much about the moving situation because I wanted to enjoy the present. I felt I should stay at my office for at least another year to gain more trust and experience before I asked to transfer. I doubted I would be able to any time this year. I wasn’t worried about moving. I wanted to go somewhere new, and the west coast sounded amazing. My only worry was job security. Maybe I worry too much, but I liked my job and wanted to keep it. I didn’t want to have to find a new one. I thought about discussing the possibility of moving at my annual review in July. My lease ended in October. My credit card debt and my car would be paid off this year. After that I could start saving for moving. And maybe my bosses would agree to possibly let me move after this year.

Chris added that while he would be in Texas, he was going to enjoy every second he got to spend with me. He wrote, “I know things like this are not at all common. I’m not just ‘infatuated’ with you.” He said he knew we were an amazing match, but to remember that there are other men out there. He didn’t want me to end up resenting him for moving. He also said he wasn’t sure if people are meant to be with one person their whole lives, since we all change so much. He couldn’t believe how much he had changed in the past five or so years. I agreed that we all change a lot over time. My coworker had just pointed out how much I have changed in the past year, and for the better. I felt I got to know myself better all the time.

His email made me feel emotional. Our scenario did kind of suck. But in a way it was awesome because it proved to me that he didn’t want to stay in the same place the rest of his life. My exes had been unmotivated people who had no interest in moving out of state. I wanted to see the world, so that had driven me insane. It was refreshing to be dating someone with so much passion for life.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Such a man

On Monday, I started searching online for possible Valentine’s Day gift ideas for Chris. I ended up at which has geeky gifts. Since he and I are geeky, that worked for me. I forwarded some of the things I liked to Sophie. I saw some cheesy shirts and wanted to get them, but since we weren’t saying ‘I love you’ I didn’t think they would be appropriate. I was feeling cheesy though.

Chris and I talked about just cooking a meal together for Valentine’s Day since we were both in what we called ‘super budgeting mode.’ Even though we were in that, he did message me that day to see if I would want to with him and his family to see Bill Maher in March. Tickets were $60, not cheap, but it was one of those things to spring for. I liked how we were planning so far ahead for things to do together.

He had starting posting photos of me on his Facebook, which was his step toward telling the rest of his family and friends that I exist and he likes me, and then eventually saying we are a couple. Underneath one of the photos, his mom commented, “Who is Anne? You know I have to ask these questions!” I laughed, and he said he needed to call her.

While discussing Valentine’s Day, Chris suggested I buy a sexy outfit to wear for him. He wrote, “Oh, the outfits I’ve imagined you in…” He was such a man and I loved it. It seemed like so many men I had previously dated had been very ‘meh’ about all that stuff. I loved that he showed so much interest in it. It was another one of those things that felt very high school with him in a very good way.

I realized that day that I wouldn’t be able to live with Chris for two or more years since he would be moving. Part of me pouted while part of me thought, “Woohoo!” I loved having my own space and alone time so much after my ex moved out. Though I also thought it would be nice to live with Chris because he is quite awesome and fun to look at. Yes, I checked him out constantly. He and I both did that, and it felt so good to feel that way. I really felt the relationship would last a long time. It felt so right. I had never felt this happy with a guy and been able to be myself this much.

I felt like I pretty much loved him already. I thought, if he left my life this instant I would be very upset. With each day that went by, I felt I would be even more upset over a possible breakup/disappearance/death/whatever. (Yes, I am very imaginative.) But it also felt okay. I hated the idea of being broken hearted, but it seemed worth it for the happiness I was currently feeling. After all, happiness like this seemed to be good for my body. It caused lots of endorphins and less stress.

Chris told me his grandparents were coming down for the weekend and bringing a distant young cousin with them who was visiting from Germany. He and his sister planned to take her out on the town and he wanted me to come with them. I was excited to meet more of his family, as well as hang out with someone from outside the United States.

I dragged Sophie to Target with me after work to search for gifts. I knew he liked gummy bears so that was a definite buy. I found the $10 funny t-shirt area for men and searched for a shirt I thought would be a good fit for him. I ended up with a ‘White Castle Employee of the Month’ t-shirt.

After Target, Sophie and I planned to meet Chris for dinner at Chuy’s. This would be their first time to meet.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Chris's memories from the last post

After Chris read the last post, he wrote this about his memories of that time:

I watched her test the strength of the ice on the edge of the stream we were standing near.  She seemed very engaged in the task so I took the opportunity to sneak up and give her a playful shove, being sure to hold on to her so she didn't actually go anywhere.  She looked so irresistibly cute when she pouted about my little attempt that I couldn't hold back any longer.  I wrapped my hands around her slender waist and lifted her up in my arms.  I just wanted to have her at that moment.  We giggled a little and I brought her down to my lips for a kiss.  Her soft, warm lips were a wonderful contrast to the freezing cold air.  I picture us making out in the snow next to that frozen stream and just the thought of how I felt at that moment makes me feel warm to this day. I was in love with her before I even knew what was happening.

I felt pretty banged up at the end of the sledding for sure.  I was having such a good time through that I kept going long after I was in pain. 

I don't remember her stomach hurting when we were at the hookah lounge. She was doing an awesome job hiding it and being sexy!

Shopping with her was great because I felt really amazing putting on the right sized clothes and those ‘wow’ looks I was getting from her did a number on my ego.  

He's the one

Dallas ended up being snowed and iced in for the remainder of that week. I had the joy of working from home for the rest of the week, as did Chris. We were supposed to go to Cirque du Soleil Ovo on Tuesday night but it was cancelled due to the weather.

While we both sat at home on Tuesday, we instant messaged each other through Skype, and kept saying how nice it would be to be cuddled together to stay warm. He wanted to come to my apartment, but when he looked outside and saw that the roads were pure ice he decided not to risk it. I had planned to go to Oklahoma that weekend to visit friends and family, but realized it would still be freezing over the weekend. I wrote him, “Hopefully we will be able to see each other tomorrow.” He wrote back, “The second the main roads are safe I’m coming over.” I told him to just not risk anything. We chatted back and forth about how I was out of tea and how his stepmom was making homemade popcorn. I even took the time to bathe my cats, which is always a tough thing to do.

On Wednesday, he decided it was safe to come over to visit me. Clare and I were instant messaging that day, and she wrote, “If he brings you tea, he’s the one.” I cracked up, and hoped that he would bring tea. I have an unhealthy obsession with unsweet tea. And I can’t seem to make it right myself. I buy myself gallons of it from McAlister’s Deli and Chick-fil-A. I was shocked when Chris arrived carrying two gallons of unsweet tea. He and I both love unsweet tea. We kept each other warm that day and he joined me for my addiction to Big Love. We watched most of season four that day. On Thursday, he had to work from his office while I worked from home again.

He picked me up Friday afternoon and we went to his place. We went for a walk in the snow and ice, back over to the creek we had visited the week before. We stood next to the iced over creek, and I tapped it with my boot a few times. Chris pretended to push me in, and then picked me up in the air, and we kissed.

A bunch of kids were sledding down a small hill by the side of the road. It was a sadly small hill for sledding, but we do live in Texas. Chris and I started chatting with some of the older kids. The kids started offering to let us use their sleds too. He immediately took a turn. I had never been on a sled before so I was a bit nervous, and had to have the kids show me how. Soon I was sledding down the hill and loving it. It felt great even when I landed in the bushes. We all took turns for a long time until Chris bruised his knee pretty badly and was done with it.

We went on another walk later and made snow angels, even taking video of it on his phone. We signed our names in the snow next to them.

On Friday night he said it was going to be so hard in a few months, especially if he falls in love with me. I found out he doesn't want to say, "I love you," for at least a year. He thought those words get used too much, and we could be complimenting and expressing our feelings for each other with more unique words. We admitted that we've both almost said, "I love you,” though.

The ice had melted by Saturday so we ventured out to try a few bubble tea restaurants (my addiction), to pick up my new prescription sunglasses, and take him clothes and shoe shopping. He had lost a lot of weight in the past few months so he needed some well-fitting clothes. We ended up at Kohl’s for everything. It was wonderful helping him shop and seeing him model the clothes. He looked so hot in his new clothes. I hoped I hadn’t dressed him in too tight of clothes, but I thought he looked sexy.

That night I was to meet his sister, Abby, for the first time. I was extremely nervous leading up to it. He and Abby are close, and hang out all the time. I really wanted her to like me. When I saw her I felt better. She was dressed casually in jeans and a Happy Bunny t-shirt (for all those who remember the Happy Bunny trend). She ended up being really nice and funny, and I felt pretty comfortable.  

The three of us decided to try out a hookah lounge by their dad’s house. It was BYOB so we first went to the nearby Tom Thumb to pick up some wine. The hookah lounge was Egyptian themed and very dark inside. We chatted and did some people watching while drinking and smoking, then oohed and ahhed when a belly dancer arrived. We enjoyed watching the belly dancer but were quickly becoming tired of smoking and drinking. My stomach hurt a lot though, so I wasn’t able to enjoy the evening as much as I could have. I felt so full from the dinner his stepmom had cooked and all the wine. Even though I felt disgusting, Chris kept shooting me the ‘I want you so bad’ looks. We left at midnight, and went back to their dad’s house for a round of Scrabble which I won. We finally went to bed at 3:30 a.m.

On Sunday we watched more of Big Love and just relaxed. He took me home at 8 p.m., and of course we ended up chatting on Skype before going to bed. We started planning for Valentine’s Day the next weekend.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Mathematically correct

I woke up that Saturday morning safely in Chris’s arms. I planned to go out later that night with some friends I had interned with previously, but my day was open and I wanted to spend it with him.

We took the day slowly, just relaxing. We decided to take walk since it was 70 degrees outside, amazing for January. He led me to a creek a few blocks from his house where there was a tiny, but pretty, waterfall. We sat on the edge of a little cliff looking over the creek and waterfall. I started rolling my jeans up from the heat. We talked for nearly an hour in that spot, mainly about the move and our feelings for each other. It was relaxing, and I felt extremely happy.

He suggested we go back to his house and get in the hammock in his backyard. I loved that idea. Hammocks are extremely comfortable. We walked back, got in the hammock, and napped a little. When we woke up we gazed into each other’s eyes, and I wanted to say, “Let’s be boyfriend-girlfriend,” or, “I love you.” Both thoughts kept running through my mind.

We moved back into the house, to his bed, and were soon rolling around together. After we finished, we cuddled and did more of our eye-M’s where we said, “I love you,” with our eyes. Again, I wanted to say either, “Let’s be boyfriend-girlfriend,” or, “I love you.” I weighed the options in my head, and decided I would sound less crazy if I said boyfriend-girlfriend.

“So…would you like to be boyfriend-girlfriend?” I finally asked, gazing up into his eyes. He instantly smiled and said yes. I was floating on air the rest of the afternoon.

I met up with my friends that evening, and when they asked what was new, I said, “So I just got a boyfriend today…” It was hilarious. We hadn’t seen each other in awhile, and they were very pleased I wasn’t with my ex anymore.

Chris and I hung out the next day, and I learned he wasn’t quite ready to tell his friends and family that he was in a relationship. But I understood his reasoning. He didn’t want anyone to think or worry that he wouldn’t be moving now that he and I were together. He was also worried about them asking, “Why are you doing this when you’re going to be moving?” Of course, a few of his family members didn't want him to leave. His stepmom kept asking about me and saying he should invite me over for dinner, seemingly to encourage him to stick around Texas. We talked about all of this, and the solution was that he would slowly tell his friends and family more about me, mention hanging out with me, and put pictures of us together on Facebook, so they wouldn't be as freaked out when they found out we're in a relationship. When we first started talking about this I was afraid he wanted to take the label off our relationship. But he said he feels like it would be silly to not be in a relationship with me. I loved that statement.

I did feel a bit different around him now that we had that label. I felt like I could be a little more boring, and that he could go with me on my errands. But I also didn't want to do that to him. I wanted to keep things fun. I felt we would be ok though. We talked a lot about being open with each other and telling the other exactly what we want. We also talked more about our past. We talked about fights with our exes. I kept saying I want to avoid those arguments over small things. I also said I didn't want to take things out on him when I'm having a bad day. He said he will tell me if I'm taking it out on him, and just to let him know if I'm a bad mood so he can make me laugh. I loved his attitude toward that.

I called my dad on Monday morning on my way to work to tell him I was now in a relationship. He didn’t seem to care either way though. I also told one of my female coworkers that morning. She was happy for me. I was worried that some people might say to me, "Why are you doing this when he will be moving?" My dad kind of hinted at that. My coworker said, "So you could move there if there's an office there..." I said there are three. I also didn't want people at work to think I would be moving. It’s just not a good thing for people to know. She also added in that if things go well I could move, which is exactly how I feel.

Chris told me he would be moving by the end of June. It made me feel kind of sick to hear more of a date. I could already tell that it would be hell for me if things stayed this great with us. I told Sophie, “At least he will be here for my birthday. It's just going to be insane going from seeing him all the time and having the normal relationship of watching TV together, having dinner together, going out and about together to switching to the whole communicating only through phone and internet and not seeing him face to face.” There is Skype which he used all the time with his friends in Washington. I supposed we could have Skype dates. I kept telling myself I should worry about it when the time comes, not right now. It turned my stomach into knots to think about him leaving.

Sophie and I started talking about weddings that day and I started to imagine marrying Chris in a town square of a small town in Mexico with a small amount of my friends and family around. I had always liked that idea after studying abroad in Mexico five years ago. It was easy to imagine him in that scenario, especially since he loved Mexico as much as I did.

He emailed me that morning to say he had a great time last night. He wrote, “I enjoy being able to talk to you about my thoughts. Your responses are just so great that it makes me like you more every time I’m honest with you. There is almost never a second while I’m with you where I’m not hit with a feeling of enjoyment in some way.” I felt the same way. It was amazing how close I felt with him and how much fun I had with him.

He added, “Wrapping my arms around you feels like a lock being fit with a key. It’s a perfect mathematically correct hug I think. I want to get measurements and see if I can make a proof.”

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Feeling guilty

I emailed Chris that Friday morning after our talk the night before. I wanted to elaborate on things I had said the night before, and just tell him what a great night I’d had with him. I told him, “I’m so glad we met. Even if we only have a short time together it’s still wonderful. And if we have a long time together…even better.” I also elaborated on the fact that if I moved it wouldn’t be just for him, but also because I want to see the world and live all over.

He wrote back and agreed that last night was amazing. He told me, “The reason I wanted to have that conversation has nothing to do with not liking you and everything to do with liking you tremendously. I’m not worrying about it anymore after our talk. I have made the decision to just let this go where it goes.” He said the fact that I want to travel and try new places is one of the things that draws him to me. He added, “Knowing you is brining my emotional and physical well being to a place I didn’t think I could reach so soon. I hope that I can enrich your life as well. So, I’m ready to hold hands and walk forward together. You keep an eye out for hidden traps and I’ll fend off the wild animals!”

He couldn’t have said it better. I actually teared up in happiness. Of course, part of me was also wondering why I was going on the date with Tyler that night.

After work I went home to get ready for the date. I drove to Tyler’s place to meet him. He immediately offered me a drink when I arrived, which I found charming. We sat and had a drink, before heading to the area of the comedy club. Things were going fine and I was enjoying being around him. However, Chris kept entering my mind. Tyler and I arrived at the area of the comedy club and decided to eat at a Mexican restaurant close to it. I realized this restaurant was one that Chris had recommended to me. The food was great, but the conversation was a little slow over dinner. Things were more enjoyable once we walked into the comedy club. It was crowded so we stood close to each other and grabbed a couple of drinks. We didn’t have to wait long before finding a seat.

The show was great. We were cracking up at the act and everything around us. I was in good spirits as we left and drove back to his place. But then the worrying set in. He hinted at me staying the night so we could go to the chili festival by him in the morning. I wanted to go to it. I’d had a great evening with him. But I didn’t want to sleep with him. After we got to his place, laziness set in and I decided to stay the night. (My apartment was 30 minutes away.) I curled up on the edge of his bed and made sure to say how tired I was. He kept hugging me though and showing interest in wanting to mess around. I kept lightly pushing him away and feeling guilty in more than one way. I felt guilty to him because I wasn’t interested. I felt guilty to Chris because I had been on a date with Tyler and was now in his bed. My head was pounding with guilt and confusion. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. I wanted to see Chris. Then I suddenly knew what I had to do.

I stood up and announced, “I don’t think I can sleep. I need to go home.” I quickly yanked my clothes back on and grabbed my purse. Tyler was disappointed and hugged me bye. I hurried to my car, and when I turned the key in the ignition, I let out a sigh of relief. I pulled out my phone and called Chris. He was half asleep when he answered.

“Can I come over and stay the night?” I asked. He immediately said yes, and I headed to his house. It was still a long drive away and my mind was racing the whole time. I felt extreme guilt, and kept wondering I smelled like Tyler. I cried a little as I drove and hoped I hadn’t ruined things with Chris.

When I got to his place, he sleepily greeted me at the door, and I told him I needed a shower. We got in the shower together, and he didn’t seem to notice another man’s smell on me. We hugged in the shower and I whispered, “I love you,” without realizing it. He didn’t seem to hear me though, so I was relieved.

After our shower, we curled up in his bed and went to sleep. The next day was one of the best days I’ve ever had.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Can't you have both?

That Thursday night with Chris was emotional. I wanted to say I love you to him a zillion times. I could feel the words floating around us. But I didn’t want to be the first to say it, and I didn’t want to have cancel Friday night’s date with Tyler.

I met Chris at his house and we went to CafĂ© Brazil for dinner. As we shared quesadillas, he started talking seriously about his move. He said he felt guilty for moving away from his family and just wished they could be in Washington. At first he was sounding very depressing, like he possibly didn’t like me as much as I thought he did. He said something about how I should go on dates with others, seemingly to get more experience before committing to this relationship. My eyes were tearing up and I was wishing I were at home. He said he is putting his career first, though he does want a special someone and to be around his family. He said he could do more for the world as a scientist. I said, “Can’t you have both?” Then he was talking like he could, but he just has to go Washington and focus on school for awhile. I felt a little confused and let down.

Then he said it is basically up to me if I want to pursue a relationship, that I am an adult and can decide what I want to do. He said he is going to move there, and he will be living with his friends while they are all in school. Basically, it was up to me if I would want to move there on my own, that we could be in a relationship, but he has to live with his friends while he has the chance and focus on school. He said he doesn’t want to be selfish, and that he was afraid we were being selfish by pursuing this relationship. He added that he doesn’t want me to make a big decision like that and later resent him for it.

I told him I don’t plan on staying in Texas forever anyway, and that I want to live all over, so it doesn’t bother me. It fits into my dreams because I do want to see the world and live in different places. I admitted it would be hard to leave my friends and family, but I would eventually be doing it anyway because this is what my dreams involve. We both said we wouldn’t want to give up someone so awesome because it’s hard to find. We made a pact to show each other our “bad” sides and not hide anything from each other, so that we could make an all around good decision about each other. After this, I admitted that I have been in counseling the past few months and it turned out he has been in it before too.

When we got back to his house and out of the car, he hugged me tight and said, “We don’t have to talk about moving anymore. We should just enjoy each other.” We went inside, watched funny videos online, and then ended up in his bed. It was awesome. He said it was the best ever. Okay, I know this may sound nerdy, but I could feel the love in it too. We weren’t just being sweet and making love, but I could feel love surrounding us and making it even more enjoyable. Afterward we kept gazing into each other’s eyes and touching each other. I didn’t even care that he was covered in sweat. He was beautiful to me.

After I told Sophie about the previous night’s talk with Chris, I wrote to her, “Wow. It’s a bit crazy to think that, in a way, I just made the decision to move 2400 miles away for a guy.” I loved it though. I wanted to live all around the world anyway.

Tyler and I were planning to go to a comedy club for our date that night. His first idea was to go to a play…the one that Chris and I had been to the Friday before. When I received that text message, I immediately told one of my female coworkers, and I may have fell to the floor laughing. Of course he would invite me to that play.

I felt confused all day before the date.  I told Sophie I knew I would choose Chris over Tyler, but there was the fear of Chris moving and us not being together, and Tyler might not move. The way I felt with Chris was beautiful and I didn’t feel that way with Tyler. The feeling with Chris seemed hard to find. There was just such an instant connection. I felt that Tyler was fun and I enjoyed spending time with him. But Chris could be it for me. I also didn’t want to reject Tyler again, like I had for Jay. That was dumb and I felt bad for doing it to him. But then again, maybe it wasn’t right to keep dating him while I was falling in love with someone else.

Tyler had also suggested I could stay the night with him after our date and we could go to a chili festival the next morning. I wanted to go to it, but I wanted to stay away from sleeping by him. I knew where that could lead, and I only wanted to sleep with Chris.

Tyler texted me while I was at work: “Can’t wait to kiss those sweet, sweet lips!!” My first thought was, I’m screwed.

Sophie asked, “How are you able to keep them from each other so well? I think I would have already slipped.” That question made my stomach turn in guilt. It didn’t necessarily feel like I was hiding them from each other, but I hadn’t been outright honest. Tyler and I didn’t talk or see each other that often. With Chris, it was an everyday thing. Tyler and I talked on the phone once a week and exchanged the occasional text. It was the weird kind of dating I always read about in magazines like Cosmo, but had never experienced. My relationships were always: meet the guy, start hanging out with him all the time, and get in a relationship with him. Things with Chris were following the norm for me. But I hadn’t told Chris what I was doing that night. All I said was that I had plans. He had told me before about planning to go on a date and being stood up. He had told me I should see other people. But I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him.

It was starting to feel like he and I were about to be boyfriend-girlfriend though, definitely based on the email he had just sent.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

My budding relationship

Chris texted me on Wednesday morning to say he thought about me all night. He added that I was like a drug, and he should nickname me “Crystal Meth.”

I told Sophie about all the sweet things Chris had wrote to me. She wrote, “I’m sure if y’all continue to see each other up until he leaves then  you’ll know for sure whether or not you want to be with him long distance or move with him. You may never find another relationship like it again. Who knows?”

I told her, “Yeah, this is what I want from a relationship and I don’t want to lose it. I haven’t felt this strongly about a guy before.”

We talked about our weekend plans, including my Friday night date with Tyler. I felt weird about going on the date with him, like it was wrong of me to do. But I didn’t want to tell him I couldn’t date him because I had already said that once before and then went back on it. I supposed I would just try to have a good time and not have sex.

My previous personal trainer from early 2010 suddenly texted me that day to say he hadn’t had a date in awhile and was hoping I could remedy that. He added that he wanted to “have a good time.” I had always thought he was hot, but he was nowhere near my type. I told him I had met someone amazing so I couldn’t do it. He wrote back, “Well now you’ll never get to. I hope this fuck up doesn’t blow up in your face. Peace.” I thought ‘What the hell?’ He had always been pretty friendly, and we would flirt, but it seemed like we knew we weren’t each other’s type. Sophie had met him before so I immediately told her about it. Her first response was, “Holy crap! What a d-bag!” She came up with responses I should send to him, but I didn’t even want to respond because I didn’t want him to say more. When I told Clare about it, she said he was probably just shocked that I turned him down.

Chris also emailed back and forth with me that day, and at one point said he couldn’t wait to see me in a bikini. I enjoyed the compliment, but the thought of trying to find a bikini to buy made me want to slit my wrists.

Sophie came over that night to help me rearrange my apartment after moving my ex’s stuff out and having a carpet cleaning. It looked great. I was very pleased with it. After she left, Chris and I talked on Skype. I had never used it before. I loved seeing him on it. He looked adorable with his bright blue eyes. I was a little embarrassed about being in front of a webcam though. He joked that being around me made him want to work out more to look good for me. I laughed, and agreed that I felt the same way.

The previous personal trainer texted me again on Thursday morning at 6:30 a.m. with this: “I am not trying to be a jerk. I’m just saying that you talk like you’re so interested then you make no effort ever and go magically find Mr. Amazing and could give fuck all about anything you’ve said before. Again, I have no interest in being the guy of your dreams. It just is a pity that you throw away an opportunity with someone just as ‘amazing’ on a whim with some guy you only just met. But it’s your life so do as you please.” Apparently I shouldn’t have told him that Chris was amazing. I could think of many responses to give him but decided to just ignore him since he was clearly insane. I felt tired of dealing with crazy men. I told Clare about it, and she said, “He probably flipped out because you guys flirted so much and he is a trainer so likely also overconfident, and you rejected him, which probably shocked him, and guys don’t like rejection.” That sounded about right.

I talked on the phone with my dad that morning and told him about the rude messages. He said that the guy had shown his true colors. I also talked to him about Chris and Tyler, and how I had a date with Tyler the next evening. He said I shouldn’t tell them about each other. I cracked up, and told him, “You’re so bad!!”

I also told Chris about the rude previous personal trainer. He was shocked that the guy was so rude. He joked, “That’s a great way to get on a girl’s good side. Sorry to hear about that. Happy, however, to hear that you think I am amazing and that you’d even pass on a date with a personal trainer for me.” He added that he had disabled his OkCupid account last week, which made me feel very special.

I had an eye doctor appointment that day and was hoping for some new glasses. I mentioned it to him, and he said, “I have a bit of a glasses fetish so that is only good news to me.” He said he had actually thought about wearing clear glasses just for the look of it. I thought that would be cute, though the last time I remembered hearing about people doing that was in high school.

I had been telling one of my coworkers about my budding relationship, and she finally asked when she would get to meet him. Since he was planning to take the next Monday off, I asked him if he wanted to go to lunch with me that day and meet my coworkers. He happily agreed.

Later that day, Sophie and I discussed the rude previous personal trainer some more and made many derogatory remarks about him. We planned to go to the gym after work, and as it got closer to 5, I started becoming nauseated at the thought of possibly running into him. He had quit working at the gym over six months ago but I had seen him there a few times since then. Sophie said she planned to spout something off at him if she saw him. Luckily, we didn’t see him, and haven’t seen him since.

I planned to meet Chris at his place at 8 p.m.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Worth the chase

Chris came over that night but left at midnight. He just came over with his dinner, ate, and we ended up in bed. We had two tries. The first time didn’t go so well and I ended up telling him I was hurting. He said to always be open about that stuff. The second time worked out very well. He had first tried to leave at 11 p.m., but it was so hard to say bye to each other. I loved having him over all the time, but I was starting to notice my lack of sleep and lack of getting stuff done around my apartment.

The next day Sophie and I were whining to each other about vacuums. She didn’t have one and mine didn’t seem to be doing a very good job. I wrote, “Maybe my dad will get me one as a birthday present. Isn’t it sad that I want a vacuum as a gift? I am getting old.”

Then we got on to the topic of Valentine’s Day. She was already starting to worry about planning Valentine’s Day with her boyfriend. I joked that I needed to ask Chris to be my valentine. I wrote, “For Valentine’s Day, I would like to try something new, something outside of just dinner. I think it will be next to impossible to go out to eat anyway. Maybe Chris and I could cook together or pick up something to go from somewhere. Or we just could eat something small and do a new activity such as a couples’ massage or a play or a comedy club or something. I totally want to buy him stuff. I want to buy him little gifts but I’m not sure what he likes yet. I only know about big things he likes, not small things like types of candy or gum.”

We joked that we wanted something good for Valentine’s Day. She had been single for three years, and thus had been waiting a long time for this. I was excited because my ex hadn’t been into holidays and gift giving, thus I had received nothing. Sophie said, “It doesn’t surprise me that he didn’t get you things. I think he is just so anti-everything fun so he can continue to do nothing forever. He needs a good kick in the butt.” That just reminded of how much I loved that Chris liked to go out and do new things. It made me so freaking happy.

I thought Chris was the type to give romantic gifts. And I had to admit that what I would really enjoy would be a letter or poem talking about how wonderful I am. (Yes, I am a nerd and you can all laugh at me.) I also thought it would be nice if the guy did something for me that I normally don’t do for myself, such as fixing something in my apartment.

At work that day one of my coworkers instant messaged me a random, nice bit of encouragement: “You can go far in this life – be and do anything you want.” I liked that. I told Chris about it, and he wrote, “True on all counts. We should have goals and then do whatever it takes to accomplish them and have a blast along the way.”

I sent him some photos I had taken while in California, and he responded with, “My god you are pretty. I just can’t help but feel happy when I see you. You are just a pleasure to look at.” He invited me to have movie night the next night with the couple I had previously met. I already had plans with Sophie for that night, and plans for Friday and Saturday. I was feeling overwhelmed with things to do. He and I talked about how our budgets were currently drained. We encouraged each other, and he wrote, “I’ll always be down for some at home activities whenever.” Thank goodness. I loved going out and doing new things, but I was starting to have a hard time keeping up with myself. It was great to finally have a lot going on here though. I had really missed my friends back in Oklahoma for awhile. I still missed them but I was now so busy that I didn’t mind as much. I told him I needed to go back and visit soon.

I wrote, “This is nerdy, but I would love to take you up there sometime to show you where I grew up, matured, had fun times, and had sad times. Sometimes when I’m up there it’s like a memory box gets dumped out right in front of me. Not always a good thing.” I also told him he needed to try my favorite Mexican restaurant and favorite boba tea place that are in Oklahoma. He replied, “I’d love to make that trip with you some time. It would be amazing to learn more about you and where you grow up. I’m always down for a trip on the weekend.”

Then we talked about friendship, and how we have different relationships with different people, though we have fun with all of them. I admitted that I often talk to Sophie about him. She was experiencing the same feelings with her boyfriend. She joked that she makes herself sick because she’s so lovey-dovey over him.

I had recently spoken with Jay and told him about Chris. He said he was glad I was happy, but just reminded me that Chris will be moving. I told Chris about this, and just said Jay was a guy friend, which is true. He wrote, “Yeah, there is always my moving as an issue. I wrote a hugely long thing about me moving but have decided not to send it, ended up just being me saying how I feel about it, and since you are aware of my situation I’d rather just let you handle your own decisions.”  

I couldn’t help but feel a little curious about what he had written. People had already been asking me the what if question. Sometimes I wanted to discuss it with Chris, but I also wanted to try just try to enjoy the time we do have being in the same area. I also didn’t want to hold back my feelings just because he was moving. I didn’t want to close myself off from falling for him (although it had kind of already happened). I told him, “I guess we will see what happens while you are living here and figure it out from there. We could end up not being interested by the time you leave. If things are still going this way…then we can figure out what to do. Either way, I will be supportive of your goals (if you’re supportive of mine, of course).”

He wrote, “We should just talk about the moving thing when we are together. There is much to say and I’ve decided at this point to just be blunt and honest with you. I could use someone to talk to about the whole situation anyway. I feel like I’ve been getting only one sided points of view because I only talk about it with the same people. If you feel comfortable we should just be open with each other when we are together and really talk. I feel like right now there is so much that goes unsaid. There are all these times we have just been looking at each other and I have no idea what you are thinking and can’t say what I’m thinking because of my reservations. Do you ever get that feeling when you are with me? Like there are things you want to say but you just can’t? Anyway, I’m also fine with just continuing as we have. I already am having emotions for you, which scare me but excite me at the same time.”

I loved that he was so open about his thoughts and feelings. It was refreshing. I had held back from saying some things when we had just been looking at each other. I just didn’t want to say anything that could mess things up between us. We hadn’t known each other very long yet, but I definitely felt strongly for him. He seemed to be everything I wanted out of a partner. I wanted to get to know him better and share more of myself with him. I wanted to share experiences with him. There is so much I want to do and see in life, and it seemed like he would be a great partner for all of that. I felt scared and excited as well about the emotions I felt for him, though mostly excited. There was a small fear of future heartbreak but I felt I would much rather be open to the possibility of an amazing relationship.

At the end of his email he wrote, “I’ve fallen for you, I admit it. If something bad doesn’t happen soon I will fall for you even more. I’m not worried about anything. I just know that you have the makings of an excellent partner. I’ll take this relationship as far as it can go if you let me. So when you feel like you need to hit the brakes, let me know, seriously, because I’m going hard and fast right now. I’m well over the speed limit with cops chasing me down, but fuck ‘em, you’re fucking great and well worth the chase.”

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Your, my, and our futures

The next day I had plans to attend my friend Ashley’s birthday party. First we would be going bowling, then to Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar. Chris had plans to see Young Frankenstein with friends and a date. I was a little jealous. He had previously invited me to go, but I had declined because of Ashley’s birthday party. Clare had exclaimed, “You’re turning down a guy with a # inch dick for a birthday party??!!” What can I say? I’m loyal to my friends. So he had invited someone else from OkCupid for a first date.

The evening was fun. As usual, I sucked at bowling. I learned that Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar is super fun. It took us awhile to get a table, but once we did we were able to relax and enjoy the music. I got very into it all, and kept dancing and singing along. I also text messaged with Chris that night. It turned out his date had stood him up. I was a little happy to hear that. After a couple hours at Pete’s, Ashley and her boyfriend wanted to go back to their place for some drinking and video games. By then, Chris was out of his play, and I invited him to join us at their place. Before he arrived, Ashley had passed out on the couch. But even after he arrived, the rest of us drank and played video games for a couple of hours.

On Sunday I had scheduled to meet a guy from OkCupid at Starbucks for a drink. I guess I went ahead and did it so I could keep my options open. After all, Chris had planned a date, plus I didn’t think he would be willing to get very serious since he would be moving. And Tyler just seemed too busy.

As it got closer to meet the guy at Starbucks, I started becoming apprehensive. I felt like I didn’t want to lose Chris, that I was risking losing him by meeting this guy. It was making me sick inside. I only ended up going because I didn’t want to stand the guy up. After I saw him I wished I had stood him up. He was extremely awkward and gross. He was one of those people that you only talk to because you feel sorry for them. I know I sound like a bitch, but I’m being serious. I tried to stumble through the conversation and quickly drink my trenta iced tea – which is hard work. Finally I said I needed to go, and he said we should see each other again sometime. I just said, “Sure,” and quickly left. I’m not good at turning people down. I ignored any text messages from him later on that week in which he asked what my last name was so he could look me up on Facebook.

I called Chris after the meet up, and he came over. I felt so ready to see him, and told myself, “No more of these stupid dates.” I just wanted to see Chris and Tyler. We watched several episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Big Love. For dinner, we picked up food to go from Fadi’s Mediterranean Grill. We ended up ordering too much because the menu didn’t accurately describe what came with the meals. We were overwhelmed with food. He stayed the night again. He was so easy to sleep by, and we showered together in the morning.

Tyler and I had planned a date for the upcoming Friday night. I was a little worried about it because I didn’t think I should sleep with him since I had been with sleeping with Chris. I told Sophie, “I mean, I practically love Chris already.” But I enjoyed hanging out with Tyler and thought he was a cutie. And I told myself that one or both were going to move, so I should keep my options open.

That Monday, Chris and I emailed back and forth again sending photos of funny stuff and cute kittens. He also sent this to me: "I really enjoyed spending time with you this weekend. I can't remember the last time I was so excited about a girl. Probably never because of my mindset now and how much I know about what I want. There is the whole moving issue. I think an important thing for us to keep doing is spending lots of time doing separate activities so that we don't end up getting hurt or making any crazy decisions. The way I think about it now is that I really like you, I'm picky as shit about girls and finding someone worth spending time and emotional involvement with is really hard. We will both still be meeting new people and there is every chance you will hook up with another amazing guy at any time.  Nothing about that bothers me. For now, my time with friends, family and you have my time booked up and it is not worth it to keep up with OkCupid. My time is valuable to me and right now spending it with you is paying off tremendously."

I wrote back to him, “Being around you makes me insanely happy. Yes, I don't want to get hurt or screw myself over (again). From how things have been so far, I think things would be great between us and I don't see there being any screwing each other over. I honestly don't have any ‘big plans’ for my future other than trying to see the world, and I would like to live in all kinds of different places just to experience it. I just want to enjoy my life to the fullest. I would definitely like to be with someone who wants to travel and try new things with me. I agree that it’s hard to find someone you can enjoy being around this much. I really don't have any doubts about you. You seem to be exactly what I want in a partner. Of course I wouldn't want to give that up, and I wouldn't want to settle for less. It's either being with someone who fits what I need out of a relationship or being alone. I've realized being alone isn't all that bad. It's much better than subjecting myself to a crappy relationship. So...I definitely want to share my valuable time with you. My life has been really great the past few months. I feel so good about life. I love it.”

He responded: “What you said in regards to me was very flattering and I have the same feelings about you. I'm unendingly excited about what our future holds. You are very right about not worrying about being screwed over. We are both good people with similar values in life. There is just so much to be excited about. For the first time in my adult life I'm really happy with the way everything is going because I'm very happy in myself. I love who I have grown up to be and that I have goals and am passionately pursuing them. Since we are both happy with ourselves it makes it so much better to share that with each other. We met at a good time in our lives.  My dad keeps saying, ‘Don't get too serious with anyone. Don't lose sight of your goals.’ For me, I'm not being serious ever again in a relationship.  I'm not a whore and my demeanor and past have made me want to spend time with you because you are worth being with and you bring positivity in my life that is exactly what I want. In fact, things with you are BETTER than anything I was hoping for. Gives me goose bumps just thinking about some of the many things I like about you. So, it makes me very glad to hear that you feel the same way.”

I told him I had talked to my aunt in California and told her about him. She had immediately said to not get serious, because of my last relationship. I told him, “I think everyone wants me to spend plenty of time being single and getting to know myself and being happy with myself. And so far so good. I've had so much fun with my friends and family the past few months and I've had lots of great alone time.” I added, “I definitely wasn't expecting to meet someone so awesome. I didn't think I would ever feel this good with someone. I love how passionate you are about things, and I would never want you to lose sight of your goals because of me or any other girl. I am excited about your, my, and our futures.”

He wrote back, “I think my dad just wants to make sure I don't get attached enough to anyone to change my plans about moving.  He knows how much it means to me to be able to fulfill that goal so I am sure he's just watching out for me.”

Then he invited me for a date to see Cirque du Soleil ‘Ovo’ on February 1. I was thrilled.

I told Sophie our conversation and she pointed out that I would be in a lot of pain when he moves. I told her I felt that pain would be worth it for a few months of complete happiness. I wrote, “I would move if things stayed great between us. If this is really how it would always be with him then I will do whatever to make it work. My goals in life are to see the world and live in different places. Seattle sounds interesting anyway. And if things don't stay like this for us then it's fine. I definitely have a few months straight with him so I will be able to get to know him well. So if things stay the way they are going then I will find a way to make it work. I might not even mind if we weren't in a relationship and he moves and we chat all the time and try to see each other. This is too good to let go of. I mean, I've never felt this intensely about someone, plus he has all the qualities I want out of a guy.”