Friday, April 29, 2011

Felt very natural

My best friend, Holly, her boyfriend, and his friend came to Dallas on Saturday to spend the weekend with me. They live in Oklahoma. I didn’t see Chris on Saturday, and just spent the day with them. When they arrived, I took them to lunch at Chuy’s so they could try the awesomeness. After that, it was off to find a flea market. It took forever to find it and it wasn’t even that great, sadly. Then we drove around Dallas for awhile and got lost. We finally got back to my apartment a little after 7 p.m. and spent the evening playing board games and watching TV. On Sunday I took them to lunch at Fuddrucker’s and to the Dallas World Aquarium. It started snowing while we were at lunch and on until after we went in the aquarium. Then we went to The Sixth Floor Museum which is about the JFK assassination. I have to admit that I haven’t spent a lot of time doing touristy things in Dallas so this was great for me.

They left my apartment around 4:30 p.m. on Sunday. I had made arrangements to meet Tyler for dinner at 6:30 p.m. at IHOP. Chris called to ask if I wanted to meet up that night. I said maybe after I have dinner with a friend. I hadn’t seen Tyler since New Year’s Day, which was the weekend before. It felt nice to see him, though the conversation wasn’t as easy as it was with Chris. Tyler and I kissed in his car before and after dinner. I enjoyed it, but kept thinking about Chris during it and felt guilty. We parted ways around 8:45 and I headed back home. On the way home I called Chris to see if he still wanted to come over. I felt very bad for seeing both of them in one evening. Chris and I made out again on my couch and I thought a little about Tyler and felt guilty. After a little making out, we curled up on my couch, watched Bones, and talked about our weekends. I didn’t mention Tyler, of course. It felt nice resting my head on his chest. I ended up inviting him to stay the night, with my personal excuses of wanting to stay warm and not wanting him to drive home on the icy roads. Of course, he obliged.

Ok, Chris and I both know we had sex for the first time that night. The problem is that neither of us remembers many details about it. I do remember being in awe of his size. I had never been with a guy that big before. We both enjoyed the sex; I do know that.

During the night, I kept forgetting he was sleeping by me. No guy had slept in my bed with me since my ex in October.

The next day, while we were at work, he sent this text: “Must not think about last night’s sex.” Apparently he was having some issues while at work.  I also wrote to him, “I can’t wait to sleep by you again.” He answered, “Yes. A warm body would hit the spot right about now. Oh internet why are you so amazing? A couple weeks on OkCupid as opposed to four months of going out has produced far better results.” I had to agree.

I was flying to L.A. on Tuesday for a one week vacation visiting Clare. I worked both Monday and Tuesday, though my mind was full of wondering if I had packed everything I needed. It was 22 degrees in Dallas on Tuesday, and in the 60s in L.A.

On Tuesday I asked Chris if he would meet me for lunch, even though I had so much going through my head since I would be heading to the airport in a few hours. We met at a random restaurant that neither of us had been to before. I didn’t think much of the food, but it was nice to see him one more time before leaving. We hugged and kissed bye in the parking lot. He later texted me: “It was awesome of you to meet me for lunch. Really made my day.”

We didn’t stop texting that day. My flight was delayed and I ended sitting in the airport Chili’s for awhile reading a magazine. Of course, I ended up asking him a question from the magazine: What do you want out of a partner?

He wrote, “I need a partner that likes or loves me for the individual I am. That understands I won’t change things for them but will rather integrate them into my life. Someone who lives their life but wants to be part of mine and is the type of person who supports my goals. I want that person to be smart and open minded. Capable of having deep conversation and also completely childish and ridiculous. I will always spend my time doing what I want to do and if that person is making me want to spend more time with them then it is probably working out correctly for the moment. I can’t imagine myself ever putting up with shit from a girl again. In my opinion if a woman has time to care enough about what I am doing to get upset over it they probably don’t have enough happening in their own life.”

I wrote back, “I like it. I agree with all of it for what I want as well. I can’t believe I’ve put up with so much crap before. But I learned and that in itself is valuable.”

Chris added, “For instance, things with you are going well. I can imagine myself doing many things I enjoy and having a good time with you being a part of it...I can’t wait to see how things continue with you, Anne. Really, you do have great qualities and I would be lying if I said I haven’t already fallen for you. I will still be trying new things and meeting new people but I legitimately like you and just thinking about you makes my blood start racing with excitement.”

I responded, “It’s great spending time with a guy that I have so much in common with. I’ve really enjoyed this past week.”

I loved how Chris and I wanted to see each other all the time, how we could barely keep ourselves apart from the beginning. It was so different from how things had been with Jay or Tyler. It felt very natural. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Need to be honest

The next day, Chris invited me to play Wii with him that night. He ended up coming over to my place with his Wii. We played some Wii Sports and enjoyed ourselves. After around 45 minutes of playing, we sat down on my couch, talked some, and watched my cats. Then, suddenly, he said the scary statement: “I need to be honest with you.”

Luckily, there wasn’t enough time between him making that statement and explaining it for me to come up with any wild scenarios in my head. He said he had looked at my OkCupid profile again and noticed that I had checked ‘interested in long-term dating,’ and didn’t check short-term dating. He said he had checked ‘interested in short-term dating’ and not long-term. My stomach sank. He told me that he really likes me so far – my personality, my character, my interests, and that he’s attracted to me. I started smiling again and feeling better. But then he added that he will probably be moving back to Washington in six months. He had lived there for four years and moved back to Texas in 2009, around the same time that I moved to Texas.

He said he could see being in a relationship with me, that it could be great, and that he still likes relationships and wants one. He said he would still be going on dates with others, and that his family and friends were telling him to just have fun right now.

He then told me that if I don’t want to keep dating knowing he will be moving that’s fine because he doesn’t want me to feel taken advantage of, and that I’m a great girl and could definitely meet someone great for me. He added that we could also keep spending time together and just see what happens.

I felt let down and saddened when he told me. I was afraid of getting hurt. I wasn’t used to the dating life. I guess I wasn’t used to dating ‘adults.’ All my exes had been students or just plain immature. This was new and scary. I loved spending time with someone so mature, but it was definitely different.

I had plans for blueberry pancakes at IHOP with Jay on Thursday evening. We hadn’t spoken much lately and I was planning to tell him I couldn’t do this anymore. It was hard to say it because I’m an overly nice person, but it went fine. He said we can just be friends and that was fine. Though I have to admit we haven’t spoken much since then.

I was back home before 8 p.m. that night and planned to watch Grey’s Anatomy. I couldn’t get my TV to go back to the regular channels though, so I called Chris to ask what I should do. It wasn’t working right since we had used it for the Wii the night before. I still couldn’t get it fixed from our phone call so he said he would come over and fix it for me. I told him he didn’t have to do that but he did. He quickly got my TV working again. I was sitting on my ottoman while he fixed it, and when he was done he sat on it facing me.

He asked, “So how was your day?” with a big smile and we talked a little. There was a lot of grinning since we were so close to each other. Before I knew it we were making out and nearly falling off the ottoman. Then we moved to the couch. After a while on the couch we ended up on my bed, but only to cuddle. He is 5’11” and I was curled up to him with my head on his shoulder. It was comfy. We stayed in that position for a long time mostly not saying anything. It wasn’t awkward though. He said his mind was running a million miles a minute. It sounded like, for him, the problem was that he liked me a lot. He wanted to move back to Washington and didn’t want anything to hold him back, I’m sure. He said he’s met so many girls who just don’t fit him at all – they can’t hold a conversation seemed to be his main complaint. We eventually went back to the couch and watched the news plus a little TMZ that cracked us up. It all felt very nice and comfortable.  

Here is what Chris has to say about that night:
“I felt bad/stupid that I didn’t fix the connection on the TV but at the same time I was like, 'An excuse to see this really hot chick again? Fuck yea!'  I was nervous though, to be very honest. I felt like she was a very interesting woman, and I really wanted to both learn more about her and get to touch her amazing body. Making out with her on the couch that night was amazing. I guess now that I think about it I was just getting more excited as we talked more because I was learning that she had qualities that were just continually exciting for me. I felt like the more I learned about her, the more I wanted to know. We had a good amount in common, but she is so intelligent, and her ability to convey her thoughts made it fun from the very beginning.”

On Friday night I had plans to go with Chris to his friend’s apartment for a little drinking and hanging out. It was us plus the guy and his girlfriend. It went well. They were nice. We just sat around chatting and drinking. After I went home that night, Chris texted me: “Leaving you while not wanting to leave sucks. Damn your kissing. Hope you made it home safe.” I wrote, “I wish you were here.” He wrote back, “Don’t tempt me!” then told me to sleep well. I wrote back, “Soon you will sleep by me!” He wrote, “That sounds amazing. You are trouble, young lady.”

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Best first date

Like Chris said, the date went very well. Lunch was delicious. The conversation was deep. (We had already prescreened for a match on politics and religion.) And, like he said, we didn’t want the date to end and we were both free, so we went bowling together. We each won a game. I became noticeably better as I kept bowling. After we bowled, he dropped me back off at my car. There was no hug or kiss at that time, but he told me, “This has been the best first date I’ve ever been on.” I agreed.

I drove home from the first date smiling. Soon after I got home I received a text message from him saying he enjoyed the date: “I would normally wait before following up but I actually was having a progressively better time and think you are very pretty and quite impressive. First date I’ve had that I wasn’t ready to end.” I responded saying I had also enjoyed it. We texted to each other that we would both just be watching TV this evening. He then asked if I would like to join forces on our TV night. I called him and we decided that he would come over to my place to watch my Sunday night TV shows - Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters. Yes, I know that sounds terrible for any guy but that had been my plan for the evening. I gave him directions and he soon showed up with a bottle of Riesling. I was shocked and thrilled that he brought over a bottle of wine. I wasn’t used to dating guys who were so thoughtful.

We opened the bottle and sat on my couch to watch my shows. With him there beside me, I noticed how soap opera like the shows seemed. We just laughed at a lot of the scenes. I also found out that he is amazing with computers and immediately asked him to look at my virus-riddled PC.

Soon after that he was going to head home. I walked over to my door with him and we stood there awkwardly for a moment. Before I knew it we were kissing and my hand was in his hair. The first kiss was intense and we ended up walking backwards towards my couch while still kissing. We were making out and it started leading to dry humping and clothes coming off. Then we both came back to reality for a moment and admitted we’d never done this before. I struggled with deciding whether I should sleep with him. My body wanted it, but I wasn’t used to sleeping with someone so quickly and didn’t want to regret it. It didn’t end up happening.

After he got home, we texted each other to say we had a great time. He wrote, “You are pretty amazing.” I told him I was actually surprised that our day went so well. He agreed.

Here’s what Chris has to say about that evening: “I don’t have exact memories on what led to our second date. What I do remember was being in her apartment getting what was the most explosively amazing kiss of my life. Kissing her felt unlike any other kiss I’ve experienced. Her lips and tongue and the smell of her perfume and breath all intermingled to become a very intense experience for me.”

The next morning I noticed my arm was sore from bowling. I texted him to tell him, and he said that his was sore too. We texted throughout our work day. We decided to meet for dinner that night at Chuy’s, a Mexican restaurant. I had never been before, but he, Clare, and Tyler had all went on and on about it to me before.

The dinner went extremely well, and the food was to die for. I loved that we were already meeting up again. It felt more normal to me than how Jay and Tyler would just want to see me the next weekend. I'm used to meeting someone, starting to see them everyday, and quickly falling into a relationship. 

Chris and I were at Chuy's for two hours talking. I found out he loves antiques and flea markets, just like I do. I shared more about myself and felt comfortable with it. He was easy to chat with and nothing felt awkward. We shared a goodbye kiss in the parking lot, and he later texted this: “You looked great again and I enjoyed the conversation.” That night I added him on Facebook and he accepted my request. He told me he’d never let someone from OkCupid into his real life before.

Monday, April 18, 2011

First impression

A post from Chris:

In August 2010 my relationship with my partner of six years ended. We had met when we were 18 and 19, and got married in 2008 at a courthouse so that I could put her on my health care. The break up was long in coming and wasn’t particularly hard. We didn’t have many assets, and no children, so the divorce was smooth and easy. I was an unhappy person. My self esteem was shot and I had forgotten how to be alone. Time heals all wounds though and after a few months I had begun working out and eating properly, spending time with friends and family, and was ready to do something I have never done: date.

I have had girlfriends but never had “dated” around before. I spent a month or so attempting to find a girl that interested me through my personal friends and at work. That search turned out to be in vain as no one was up to par for me. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, just a fun person to spend time with and hopefully be romantically involved with. A friend mentioned OkCupid to me; I had done some research and saw the Penn and Teller BS! episode about online dating.  I felt pretty comfortable getting on the site and had no idea what to expect.  After only a couple weeks I had gone on a few dates, none of which resulted in meeting someone I was interested in, either they were not attractive enough or the conversations we had did not make me want to follow up with them. Once I had some experience with how it all worked I began reaching out to girls who interested me and were at a “higher level” than my previous dates. By higher level I mean that they had a degree, were extremely attractive or had something very special written in their profile.

This is how I happened across redribbon. 

I sent her a message to initiate contact that was pretty generic.  I mentioned how some of the things she required of a partner, I had. She responded letting me know she thinks I am cute and asks where I work.  We get to know each other via these messages and eventually I ask to meet. I was really excited about this particular date because from her messages she seemed really smart and interesting, and she looked exactly my type from her photos. We met up at an Asian restaurant for lunch. She was much better in person. At one point I had to get up and go to the restroom to verify that I was looking up to par because I wanted this date to count. She was charming, and so attractive I really couldn’t maintain eye contact for very long. As we finished lunch I wasn’t ready to end our date yet, so I asked if she had more time or other plans. Luckily she was free so we decided to go bowling. We found out at lunch that we both have a love of tea and she recommended we go to her favorite place nearby for iced tea. It turned out that, just like me, she takes her iced tea unsweetened.

I told myself from the beginning of my adventures into the dating world that I would only be 100% honest at all times. I’m a grown man now and realize that in order to be happy I just need to be myself and be happy. After bowling I took her back to her car. It was our first meeting but I knew I wanted to see her again right away. To be honest I was so caught up in my thoughts at the time I’m not remembering if we hugged or kissed that day. I won’t say that I was immediately in love because I had been really wary after my divorce with my feelings. I do know that I immediately wanted to get her clothes off and see what was hiding beneath. I was going to find out soon enough. I had several other dates still scheduled at this time so my mind was left open to other possibilities. Needless to say though, it was a great first impression.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Popping bottles

My step-cousin told me the NYE party would be a tacky Christmas sweater party. I was thrilled. I had Friday, New Year’s Eve, off work, so I met up with my friend Ashley for the day. We went out for Mexican food and margaritas, and then to a thrift store to find tacky Christmas sweaters for Tyler and me. We managed to find some very awkward sweaters.

After, it was to my apartment where we finished off a bottle of wine. She left and I fell asleep for a few hours until Tyler texted me about meeting up. I didn't feel like getting out of bed, but told him to meet me at my apartment.

Tyler arrived carrying Christmas lights with battery packs so we could string them through our sweaters. He worked on this at my kitchen table while I kept my cats away from him because, as I found out, he is allergic. Armed with a flask and bottle of wine, we headed to 7-Eleven for Benadryl for him and then to the party. We easily found the house, and I felt a little nervous walking up to the door. I tend to be shy around new people.

But it was great. Scott and his friends were hilarious. We played beer pong in the garage most of the night, and watched the ball drop on TV. There were enough bottles of champagne at the party for everyone to have their own. We took a group picture with each person holding one and popped them all at the same time. Late that night, Scott drunkenly told me Tyler was awesome. I agreed. He was a great party date.

We decided to go back to his place for the night. I was nervous about staying the night with him for the first time, but a little drunk as well, so that helped. I didn’t sleep too well that night. He snored and his puppy, though super cute, kept trying to cuddle with us. He kept his arm around me all night, which was sweet.

When we woke up, he cooked migas for breakfast. I had never had them before, and loved them. Mexican food is my favorite. We ate them and watched a documentary on the science behind attraction. The documentary said people with symmetrical faces have an easier time finding love, so we had to get in front of the mirror to decide if our faces were symmetrical.

We decided to go out for lunch. He drove to an area near him that had a lot of restaurants, and I glanced around. Then I saw it: Texadelphia. It’s basically a Philly cheesesteak place that serves beer. But when I go there I get the veggie sandwich with chips and salsa and Dr Pepper. They have great salsa. They also have a great mustard sauce that I drown my sandwich in.  I dragged him there for lunch. We were out of things to talk about by then so it was a little awkward. I just tried to concentrate on my amazing food.

He took me home after and we discussed relationships on the half hour drive. We didn’t talk about us at all, but about what we want in general for the future.

The next day was my date with Chris_P from OkCupid. We planned to meet at a Thai restaurant for lunch. I had never been to it before. Part of me didn’t want to go on the date. Yes, he sounded great in his emails, but I felt a little overwhelmed with all the Jay/Tyler stuff. I didn’t want to add another guy to my situation. But I had already agreed to the date so I figured I may as well give him/it a chance.

I talked on the phone with my dad on the way to the date. I told him where I was going, and joked, “Just FYI in case he kills me or kidnaps me…”

It took me awhile to find the restaurant. I ended up parking at the place next door because I had got confused along the one-way street it was on. I walked up to the front of the restaurant and saw a cute guy in his twenties sitting on a bench. He stood up when he saw me and I realized it must be Chris. We introduced ourselves, and I thought, “He’s much better looking than in his photos.”

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The adventure begins

We left Tulsa a day earlier than planned. I actually felt pleased when Jay dropped me off at my dad’s house and drove away. It was good to be with family.

While back in my hometown that week, I got interested in looking at a dating site again. I had been a member of the OkCupid dating site since 2006, but had barely used it. I had updated my profile soon after my break-up and checked it occasionally, but wasn’t finding anyone interesting. I basically just checked my emails to see if anyone cute with a decent personality had emailed me, and if so, responded to his email. Since I couldn’t be on my computer much that week (no internet at my dad’s house), I downloaded the OkCupid app for my phone.

During this time, I noticed an email from a cute boy with a decent personality. His username was Chris_P. He met my listed requirements on my profile: ambitious, loves cats, loves travel. He ended his first email to me with: “The adventure begins…”

In my first response I immediately asked him where he worked, probably because I was wary since my ex didn’t work. In his response he wrote, “I have my very own cubicle and everything! Impressed?” He then asked, “What is it that brought you to OkCupid? I can’t imagine someone as attractive as you would need a dating site to meet people.” Then we talked about our recent exes and what we would like in our next relationships.

We also talked about the freedom we felt after not being with our exes anymore. I wrote, “I love feeling like myself again.” He wrote, “What is it about bad relationships that make us give up so much of ourselves?” I admitted that I did give myself up a lot, probably because I felt desperate for love. I wrote, “I still have hope that there is a guy out there who I can have ‘everything’ with – friendship, love, great sex, and someone who encourages me and that I feel like myself around.” He wrote back, “I hope someone like that is out there for me as well.”

He added, “If you ever have to give up what you want or what makes you happy for another person then that person can't be right for you. If you really like or love someone you encourage them to follow their goals and dreams and don't hold them back. Now I'm going to focus only on making myself happy, and if being myself and being happy leads me to finding someone that is also happy with themselves and doesn't need me to be the source of their happiness, I'll have found the right person.”

I was intrigued by him, but a little nervous about meeting a guy from the internet for a date. He sounded great, but I couldn’t be sure since I hadn’t met him in person. It took me awhile to call him and set up a date. I get nervous about talking on the phone with someone I’ve never actually met. The date was planned for Sunday, January 2.

But there was still a week until then. My dad brought me back to Texas on Sunday, Dec. 26. I was very happy to be back. I had been gone for nine days and just missed being in my own home. I love my family, but now I’m used to being independent.

Jay and I hadn’t spoken much since he had dropped me off at my dad’s house. I complained to Sophie that all his actions were screaming NOT INTERESTED, but he had promised me before that he would let me know if he suddenly wasn’t interested. Sophie called him ‘skeezy’ and told me I should see Tyler again.

Tyler texted me on Tuesday and said we should hang out that night. I agreed and went to his place to hang out. He cooked tacos for us, and I threw together some guacamole. While he cooked, he told me that he would probably be moving to Houston in February for a new job. I felt a little sad when I heard that, but I was happy for him. During dinner we watched a movie and ended up pausing halfway through it to kiss and cuddle. He had kissed me hello, and kept kissing me all evening. I loved the affection from Tyler, after Jay not showing any affection to me. I drove home in the rain that night and almost cried a little. I felt happy with being single and focusing on myself, but I liked the affection. I suppose I am a very touchy-feely, affectionate person.

The next day I told Sophie, “I do want to eventually have a life partner who is my best friend who I can tell anything to, who is great in bed, who is self sufficient, who will goof off with me, who will get along well with my friends and family, who wants to travel the world with me, and who is affectionate. I just hope that someday I will find a guy who is all those things. I don’t mind being single for awhile, but someday it will be nice.”

I imagined Jay giving me advice on Tyler. Jay loves to give advice about anything. He wore Sophie and me out with all his advice. I told Sophie I could hear Jay now: “Why would you even go on dates with this guy if he’s going to move soon?” It reminded me of my ex always telling me reasons why I shouldn’t do the things I enjoyed. It wore me down.

I was planning to go to a New Year’s Eve party that weekend with a bunch of people I didn’t know. Over my Christmas break in Oklahoma, I had been introduced to my stepbrothers’ cousin who lived near me, Scott. He had promptly added me on Facebook and invited me to this party.

I decided to invite Tyler to the party with me.  

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Sounds fishy

Jay said he didn’t want to be in a relationship for a long time, that he enjoys his life the way it is, but he does want to date me. He talked about all the things he likes about me, reasons why he thinks we would go well together, and how similar we are about some things. He just didn’t want to get into a relationship anytime soon. I teared up a little bit, I guess because I’m used to that not meaning anything good. I don’t think he noticed. But I really felt ok with it. I felt that he had a good point – being in a relationship brings a lot of expectations and having to make decisions with someone else. He said he always wants to spend his free time with me. He also said I probably shouldn’t be in a relationship anytime soon either because I seem to be growing so much as a person. He said I seem like almost a completely different girl than the one he first met, and in a good way. He also said one phrase that really stuck with me: that we need to strive to be who we want to be before getting into a relationship, to take care of ourselves first.

When I told all of this to Sophie, she said, “I don’t know; sometimes I just don’t trust that boy. He's a good friend and what not but it sounds like to me he's keeping you holding on.” I told her I didn’t think he was leading me on, but then again, I am a very gullible person. When I told Clare she just agreed that taking it slow was good.

Tyler texted me that Friday, the day I would be heading to Tulsa with Jay after work. It turned out he thought I was in a relationship. I told him no, and he said sorry. I explained that it wasn’t a problem, and I’m not necessarily ready to be in one for awhile. I said, “Relationships still seem a bit scary, like having another parent.” He said it shouldn’t be like that, that the person should be your best friend and partner in crime. I loved the partner in crime term. That definitely sounded like what I would want in a relationship.

Five o’clock finally came and I headed home to hurriedly get my stuff together before going to Tulsa. Then I drove to Jay’s apartment. His daughter was riding with us and we would be dropping her off at Jay’s grandma’s house in Oklahoma. It took an hour and a half to get to his grandma’s house. His daughter was fine for the whole ride, and barely talked. However, Jay said something that upset me.

Before we reached his grandma’s house, he told me he was going to tell her that I was his coworker if she asked. I was immediately shocked and asked why. He thought it would be too hard to explain to her, and didn’t want to say, “Well, this is just a girl I’m seeing that will be staying in a hotel with me for a few days.” That made a little sense, but I still felt weird about it. It felt like I meant absolutely nothing to him. I knew we weren’t in a relationship, but to me it sounded like he did like me a lot and may eventually be ready for that. But this statement of his blew me away. I wasn’t used to that. It didn’t feel right at all. I felt like a guy should want to introduce me to his family. I started thinking, I just want to go back home, and I wanted to be out of the car. He noticed my change in demeanor, and I told him I understood, but that it felt weird to me.

We got through dropping his daughter off. I met his grandma. She didn’t ask why I was there and he never explained who I was to him. After we left I calmed down some and the rest of the drive went smoothly.

The rest of the weekend went okay. All we did was going out to eat, driving around Tulsa, and going to the malls in the area. He wasn’t too interested in anything else…other than at night in the hotel room. I started to realize he really didn’t have much interest beyond sex and friendship. The only affection he gave me was during sex. I tried to hold his hand a few times or give him a quick kiss. He wouldn’t hold hands for more than a few seconds, and he didn’t really kiss back. He never initiated these things. I felt like I was trying too hard and it wasn’t worth it.

On Monday, I emailed Sophie and told her, “I feel a little discouraged about things with Jay. I mean, I know he does like me, but he’s not ready for a relationship. I know I’m not either, but he doesn’t act affectionate, which is kind of hard for me. I know it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like me but I still feel bad.”

I just couldn’t understand since the first night he and I were “together,” he was stroking my cheek and being sweet. That wasn’t happening anymore. That weekend he also said he would probably have less time to hang out starting in 2011 because he would be focusing a lot on work and his daughter. He kept saying he didn’t want me to get my hopes up too much, and that he never gets his hopes up. Then he added that if the emotions get too hard on me to just say something and we can stop having sex. He said we would still be friends either way. It all felt so weird to me. I was completely out of my element.

Sophie summed up her response with: “Sounds fishy.”

The situation was kind of reminding of me of a boy I liked in high school who said we couldn’t date until we both got closer to God. I didn’t think Jay was lying to me but it was a crappy feeling. I didn’t mind taking things slow but he made it sound like there was no chance.

I was extremely confused by all his words and actions because none of it added up. Sophie said it sounded like the things he was telling me were just an easy way to say he wasn’t interested. I felt so confused and annoyed by the situation. I wanted to be able to be myself completely in a relationship, and this just wasn’t going that way. Sophie added that it sounded like he was working me, that he wasn’t telling the entire truth.

She wrote, “I’ve learned that if a guy is interested in you he’ll show the affection right back.” She was right. I told myself to just enjoy being friends with him and ignore the rest. I needed to put myself first.

Monday, April 4, 2011

At least I was happy

Sophie says that Jay and I kissed after I walked out in my dress. I don’t remember it. All I remember is realizing he wasn’t giving me the ‘wow’ look. I knew I looked great so I didn’t understand.

The work Christmas party was fun. Jay was a good date in that he was able to talk to anyone. I was even thinking he was making me look good by being so personable. I tend to be quiet.  Everyone got a little tipsy with the free drinks and we had a blast. My coworkers are a riot. We took a group photo and a photo of the ‘red team’ – the five people who wore red that night, including me. A few took couples pictures by the Christmas tree in the corner. I had one coworker take a photo of Jay and me in front of the tree.

He wasn’t very happy about having his picture taken though, and when I later asked about posting it to Facebook, he said no.

I rode with Jay back to his place that night. Apparently on the ride home, in my tipsy state, I just kept telling him the same things over and over: “I like you; I’m so happy; my life is so great.” At least I was happy.

He felt sick during the night and kept tossing and turning in bed so he ended up going to sleep in his daughter’s room (she was at her mom’s house for the weekend). There was no action.

The next day, I met up with Clare. We went out for Indian food, did some shopping and boba tea searching, bought champagne, and went to my apartment for Extreme Makeover: Apartment Edition. We drank mimosas that evening while organizing and going through my junk. I put together five boxes of garage sale junk and a bag of trash. The next day we went to the mall for Christmas shopping and to watch Black Swan. I picked out gifts for Sophie and Jay. Sophie received a Biggest Loser workout DVD since she is my workout buddy. As for Jay, let’s just say I went to Victoria’s Secret. I planned to give him the gift upon arrival at the hotel in Tulsa.

That night I had a nightmare about my ex. I’ve always had nightmares about three of my exes. I dreamed that my ex had got back into my apartment and said he would leave in a week. I was mad. It didn’t look like my apartment and there was a driveway and garage. I snuck off to the garage to put stuff in my car and call Jay to complain. When I called him he was just arriving at my place to surprise me. I told him what was going on. My ex came outside and they shook hands. Then Jay decided to mess with him. He picked a flower off a tree and presented it to me in front of my ex. My ex rolled his eyes at Jay and told him how I’m an idiot and will just ruin his life.

The next week was spent planning for the week long trip to Oklahoma and for Christmas. And of course whining to Sophie about how we should get Christmas breaks from work like we did from school. I had a growing list of goals for my life now that I was free from my ex and was ready to start accomplishing them. (One was starting a blog so at least that one has happened!) I had one more mimosa night with Clare before she went back to L.A. I was sad, but luckily I had an L.A. vacation planned for January, which meant many more mimosa nights.

Jay came over one evening that week. It started with him admiring my now organized apartment, and then to us sitting at my dining table with him saying he had something to talk to me about. He took forever to get to the point and I was starting to become nervous. I was starting to think he just wanted to be friends.