Feeling guilty

I emailed Chris that Friday morning after our talk the night before. I wanted to elaborate on things I had said the night before, and just tell him what a great night I’d had with him. I told him, “I’m so glad we met. Even if we only have a short time together it’s still wonderful. And if we have a long time together…even better.” I also elaborated on the fact that if I moved it wouldn’t be just for him, but also because I want to see the world and live all over.

He wrote back and agreed that last night was amazing. He told me, “The reason I wanted to have that conversation has nothing to do with not liking you and everything to do with liking you tremendously. I’m not worrying about it anymore after our talk. I have made the decision to just let this go where it goes.” He said the fact that I want to travel and try new places is one of the things that draws him to me. He added, “Knowing you is brining my emotional and physical well being to a place I didn’t think I could reach so soon. I hope that I can enrich your life as well. So, I’m ready to hold hands and walk forward together. You keep an eye out for hidden traps and I’ll fend off the wild animals!”

He couldn’t have said it better. I actually teared up in happiness. Of course, part of me was also wondering why I was going on the date with Tyler that night.

After work I went home to get ready for the date. I drove to Tyler’s place to meet him. He immediately offered me a drink when I arrived, which I found charming. We sat and had a drink, before heading to the area of the comedy club. Things were going fine and I was enjoying being around him. However, Chris kept entering my mind. Tyler and I arrived at the area of the comedy club and decided to eat at a Mexican restaurant close to it. I realized this restaurant was one that Chris had recommended to me. The food was great, but the conversation was a little slow over dinner. Things were more enjoyable once we walked into the comedy club. It was crowded so we stood close to each other and grabbed a couple of drinks. We didn’t have to wait long before finding a seat.

The show was great. We were cracking up at the act and everything around us. I was in good spirits as we left and drove back to his place. But then the worrying set in. He hinted at me staying the night so we could go to the chili festival by him in the morning. I wanted to go to it. I’d had a great evening with him. But I didn’t want to sleep with him. After we got to his place, laziness set in and I decided to stay the night. (My apartment was 30 minutes away.) I curled up on the edge of his bed and made sure to say how tired I was. He kept hugging me though and showing interest in wanting to mess around. I kept lightly pushing him away and feeling guilty in more than one way. I felt guilty to him because I wasn’t interested. I felt guilty to Chris because I had been on a date with Tyler and was now in his bed. My head was pounding with guilt and confusion. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. I wanted to see Chris. Then I suddenly knew what I had to do.

I stood up and announced, “I don’t think I can sleep. I need to go home.” I quickly yanked my clothes back on and grabbed my purse. Tyler was disappointed and hugged me bye. I hurried to my car, and when I turned the key in the ignition, I let out a sigh of relief. I pulled out my phone and called Chris. He was half asleep when he answered.

“Can I come over and stay the night?” I asked. He immediately said yes, and I headed to his house. It was still a long drive away and my mind was racing the whole time. I felt extreme guilt, and kept wondering I smelled like Tyler. I cried a little as I drove and hoped I hadn’t ruined things with Chris.

When I got to his place, he sleepily greeted me at the door, and I told him I needed a shower. We got in the shower together, and he didn’t seem to notice another man’s smell on me. We hugged in the shower and I whispered, “I love you,” without realizing it. He didn’t seem to hear me though, so I was relieved.

After our shower, we curled up in his bed and went to sleep. The next day was one of the best days I’ve ever had.

Can't you have both?

That Thursday night with Chris was emotional. I wanted to say I love you to him a zillion times. I could feel the words floating around us. But I didn’t want to be the first to say it, and I didn’t want to have cancel Friday night’s date with Tyler.

I met Chris at his house and we went to Café Brazil for dinner. As we shared quesadillas, he started talking seriously about his move. He said he felt guilty for moving away from his family and just wished they could be in Washington. At first he was sounding very depressing, like he possibly didn’t like me as much as I thought he did. He said something about how I should go on dates with others, seemingly to get more experience before committing to this relationship. My eyes were tearing up and I was wishing I were at home. He said he is putting his career first, though he does want a special someone and to be around his family. He said he could do more for the world as a scientist. I said, “Can’t you have both?” Then he was talking like he could, but he just has to go Washington and focus on school for awhile. I felt a little confused and let down.

Then he said it is basically up to me if I want to pursue a relationship, that I am an adult and can decide what I want to do. He said he is going to move there, and he will be living with his friends while they are all in school. Basically, it was up to me if I would want to move there on my own, that we could be in a relationship, but he has to live with his friends while he has the chance and focus on school. He said he doesn’t want to be selfish, and that he was afraid we were being selfish by pursuing this relationship. He added that he doesn’t want me to make a big decision like that and later resent him for it.

I told him I don’t plan on staying in Texas forever anyway, and that I want to live all over, so it doesn’t bother me. It fits into my dreams because I do want to see the world and live in different places. I admitted it would be hard to leave my friends and family, but I would eventually be doing it anyway because this is what my dreams involve. We both said we wouldn’t want to give up someone so awesome because it’s hard to find. We made a pact to show each other our “bad” sides and not hide anything from each other, so that we could make an all around good decision about each other. After this, I admitted that I have been in counseling the past few months and it turned out he has been in it before too.

When we got back to his house and out of the car, he hugged me tight and said, “We don’t have to talk about moving anymore. We should just enjoy each other.” We went inside, watched funny videos online, and then ended up in his bed. It was awesome. He said it was the best ever. Okay, I know this may sound nerdy, but I could feel the love in it too. We weren’t just being sweet and making love, but I could feel love surrounding us and making it even more enjoyable. Afterward we kept gazing into each other’s eyes and touching each other. I didn’t even care that he was covered in sweat. He was beautiful to me.

After I told Sophie about the previous night’s talk with Chris, I wrote to her, “Wow. It’s a bit crazy to think that, in a way, I just made the decision to move 2400 miles away for a guy.” I loved it though. I wanted to live all around the world anyway.

Tyler and I were planning to go to a comedy club for our date that night. His first idea was to go to a play…the one that Chris and I had been to the Friday before. When I received that text message, I immediately told one of my female coworkers, and I may have fell to the floor laughing. Of course he would invite me to that play.

I felt confused all day before the date.  I told Sophie I knew I would choose Chris over Tyler, but there was the fear of Chris moving and us not being together, and Tyler might not move. The way I felt with Chris was beautiful and I didn’t feel that way with Tyler. The feeling with Chris seemed hard to find. There was just such an instant connection. I felt that Tyler was fun and I enjoyed spending time with him. But Chris could be it for me. I also didn’t want to reject Tyler again, like I had for Jay. That was dumb and I felt bad for doing it to him. But then again, maybe it wasn’t right to keep dating him while I was falling in love with someone else.

Tyler had also suggested I could stay the night with him after our date and we could go to a chili festival the next morning. I wanted to go to it, but I wanted to stay away from sleeping by him. I knew where that could lead, and I only wanted to sleep with Chris.

Tyler texted me while I was at work: “Can’t wait to kiss those sweet, sweet lips!!” My first thought was, I’m screwed.

Sophie asked, “How are you able to keep them from each other so well? I think I would have already slipped.” That question made my stomach turn in guilt. It didn’t necessarily feel like I was hiding them from each other, but I hadn’t been outright honest. Tyler and I didn’t talk or see each other that often. With Chris, it was an everyday thing. Tyler and I talked on the phone once a week and exchanged the occasional text. It was the weird kind of dating I always read about in magazines like Cosmo, but had never experienced. My relationships were always: meet the guy, start hanging out with him all the time, and get in a relationship with him. Things with Chris were following the norm for me. But I hadn’t told Chris what I was doing that night. All I said was that I had plans. He had told me before about planning to go on a date and being stood up. He had told me I should see other people. But I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him.

It was starting to feel like he and I were about to be boyfriend-girlfriend though, definitely based on the email he had just sent.

My budding relationship

Chris texted me on Wednesday morning to say he thought about me all night. He added that I was like a drug, and he should nickname me “Crystal Meth.”

I told Sophie about all the sweet things Chris had wrote to me. She wrote, “I’m sure if y’all continue to see each other up until he leaves then  you’ll know for sure whether or not you want to be with him long distance or move with him. You may never find another relationship like it again. Who knows?”

I told her, “Yeah, this is what I want from a relationship and I don’t want to lose it. I haven’t felt this strongly about a guy before.”

We talked about our weekend plans, including my Friday night date with Tyler. I felt weird about going on the date with him, like it was wrong of me to do. But I didn’t want to tell him I couldn’t date him because I had already said that once before and then went back on it. I supposed I would just try to have a good time and not have sex.

My previous personal trainer from early 2010 suddenly texted me that day to say he hadn’t had a date in awhile and was hoping I could remedy that. He added that he wanted to “have a good time.” I had always thought he was hot, but he was nowhere near my type. I told him I had met someone amazing so I couldn’t do it. He wrote back, “Well now you’ll never get to. I hope this fuck up doesn’t blow up in your face. Peace.” I thought ‘What the hell?’ He had always been pretty friendly, and we would flirt, but it seemed like we knew we weren’t each other’s type. Sophie had met him before so I immediately told her about it. Her first response was, “Holy crap! What a d-bag!” She came up with responses I should send to him, but I didn’t even want to respond because I didn’t want him to say more. When I told Clare about it, she said he was probably just shocked that I turned him down.

Chris also emailed back and forth with me that day, and at one point said he couldn’t wait to see me in a bikini. I enjoyed the compliment, but the thought of trying to find a bikini to buy made me want to slit my wrists.

Sophie came over that night to help me rearrange my apartment after moving my ex’s stuff out and having a carpet cleaning. It looked great. I was very pleased with it. After she left, Chris and I talked on Skype. I had never used it before. I loved seeing him on it. He looked adorable with his bright blue eyes. I was a little embarrassed about being in front of a webcam though. He joked that being around me made him want to work out more to look good for me. I laughed, and agreed that I felt the same way.

The previous personal trainer texted me again on Thursday morning at 6:30 a.m. with this: “I am not trying to be a jerk. I’m just saying that you talk like you’re so interested then you make no effort ever and go magically find Mr. Amazing and could give fuck all about anything you’ve said before. Again, I have no interest in being the guy of your dreams. It just is a pity that you throw away an opportunity with someone just as ‘amazing’ on a whim with some guy you only just met. But it’s your life so do as you please.” Apparently I shouldn’t have told him that Chris was amazing. I could think of many responses to give him but decided to just ignore him since he was clearly insane. I felt tired of dealing with crazy men. I told Clare about it, and she said, “He probably flipped out because you guys flirted so much and he is a trainer so likely also overconfident, and you rejected him, which probably shocked him, and guys don’t like rejection.” That sounded about right.

I talked on the phone with my dad that morning and told him about the rude messages. He said that the guy had shown his true colors. I also talked to him about Chris and Tyler, and how I had a date with Tyler the next evening. He said I shouldn’t tell them about each other. I cracked up, and told him, “You’re so bad!!”

I also told Chris about the rude previous personal trainer. He was shocked that the guy was so rude. He joked, “That’s a great way to get on a girl’s good side. Sorry to hear about that. Happy, however, to hear that you think I am amazing and that you’d even pass on a date with a personal trainer for me.” He added that he had disabled his OkCupid account last week, which made me feel very special.

I had an eye doctor appointment that day and was hoping for some new glasses. I mentioned it to him, and he said, “I have a bit of a glasses fetish so that is only good news to me.” He said he had actually thought about wearing clear glasses just for the look of it. I thought that would be cute, though the last time I remembered hearing about people doing that was in high school.

I had been telling one of my coworkers about my budding relationship, and she finally asked when she would get to meet him. Since he was planning to take the next Monday off, I asked him if he wanted to go to lunch with me that day and meet my coworkers. He happily agreed.

Later that day, Sophie and I discussed the rude previous personal trainer some more and made many derogatory remarks about him. We planned to go to the gym after work, and as it got closer to 5, I started becoming nauseated at the thought of possibly running into him. He had quit working at the gym over six months ago but I had seen him there a few times since then. Sophie said she planned to spout something off at him if she saw him. Luckily, we didn’t see him, and haven’t seen him since.

I planned to meet Chris at his place at 8 p.m.

Worth the chase

Chris came over that night but left at midnight. He just came over with his dinner, ate, and we ended up in bed. We had two tries. The first time didn’t go so well and I ended up telling him I was hurting. He said to always be open about that stuff. The second time worked out very well. He had first tried to leave at 11 p.m., but it was so hard to say bye to each other. I loved having him over all the time, but I was starting to notice my lack of sleep and lack of getting stuff done around my apartment.

The next day Sophie and I were whining to each other about vacuums. She didn’t have one and mine didn’t seem to be doing a very good job. I wrote, “Maybe my dad will get me one as a birthday present. Isn’t it sad that I want a vacuum as a gift? I am getting old.”

Then we got on to the topic of Valentine’s Day. She was already starting to worry about planning Valentine’s Day with her boyfriend. I joked that I needed to ask Chris to be my valentine. I wrote, “For Valentine’s Day, I would like to try something new, something outside of just dinner. I think it will be next to impossible to go out to eat anyway. Maybe Chris and I could cook together or pick up something to go from somewhere. Or we just could eat something small and do a new activity such as a couples’ massage or a play or a comedy club or something. I totally want to buy him stuff. I want to buy him little gifts but I’m not sure what he likes yet. I only know about big things he likes, not small things like types of candy or gum.”

We joked that we wanted something good for Valentine’s Day. She had been single for three years, and thus had been waiting a long time for this. I was excited because my ex hadn’t been into holidays and gift giving, thus I had received nothing. Sophie said, “It doesn’t surprise me that he didn’t get you things. I think he is just so anti-everything fun so he can continue to do nothing forever. He needs a good kick in the butt.” That just reminded of how much I loved that Chris liked to go out and do new things. It made me so freaking happy.

I thought Chris was the type to give romantic gifts. And I had to admit that what I would really enjoy would be a letter or poem talking about how wonderful I am. (Yes, I am a nerd and you can all laugh at me.) I also thought it would be nice if the guy did something for me that I normally don’t do for myself, such as fixing something in my apartment.

At work that day one of my coworkers instant messaged me a random, nice bit of encouragement: “You can go far in this life – be and do anything you want.” I liked that. I told Chris about it, and he wrote, “True on all counts. We should have goals and then do whatever it takes to accomplish them and have a blast along the way.”

I sent him some photos I had taken while in California, and he responded with, “My god you are pretty. I just can’t help but feel happy when I see you. You are just a pleasure to look at.” He invited me to have movie night the next night with the couple I had previously met. I already had plans with Sophie for that night, and plans for Friday and Saturday. I was feeling overwhelmed with things to do. He and I talked about how our budgets were currently drained. We encouraged each other, and he wrote, “I’ll always be down for some at home activities whenever.” Thank goodness. I loved going out and doing new things, but I was starting to have a hard time keeping up with myself. It was great to finally have a lot going on here though. I had really missed my friends back in Oklahoma for awhile. I still missed them but I was now so busy that I didn’t mind as much. I told him I needed to go back and visit soon.

I wrote, “This is nerdy, but I would love to take you up there sometime to show you where I grew up, matured, had fun times, and had sad times. Sometimes when I’m up there it’s like a memory box gets dumped out right in front of me. Not always a good thing.” I also told him he needed to try my favorite Mexican restaurant and favorite boba tea place that are in Oklahoma. He replied, “I’d love to make that trip with you some time. It would be amazing to learn more about you and where you grow up. I’m always down for a trip on the weekend.”

Then we talked about friendship, and how we have different relationships with different people, though we have fun with all of them. I admitted that I often talk to Sophie about him. She was experiencing the same feelings with her boyfriend. She joked that she makes herself sick because she’s so lovey-dovey over him.

I had recently spoken with Jay and told him about Chris. He said he was glad I was happy, but just reminded me that Chris will be moving. I told Chris about this, and just said Jay was a guy friend, which is true. He wrote, “Yeah, there is always my moving as an issue. I wrote a hugely long thing about me moving but have decided not to send it, ended up just being me saying how I feel about it, and since you are aware of my situation I’d rather just let you handle your own decisions.”  

I couldn’t help but feel a little curious about what he had written. People had already been asking me the what if question. Sometimes I wanted to discuss it with Chris, but I also wanted to try just try to enjoy the time we do have being in the same area. I also didn’t want to hold back my feelings just because he was moving. I didn’t want to close myself off from falling for him (although it had kind of already happened). I told him, “I guess we will see what happens while you are living here and figure it out from there. We could end up not being interested by the time you leave. If things are still going this way…then we can figure out what to do. Either way, I will be supportive of your goals (if you’re supportive of mine, of course).”

He wrote, “We should just talk about the moving thing when we are together. There is much to say and I’ve decided at this point to just be blunt and honest with you. I could use someone to talk to about the whole situation anyway. I feel like I’ve been getting only one sided points of view because I only talk about it with the same people. If you feel comfortable we should just be open with each other when we are together and really talk. I feel like right now there is so much that goes unsaid. There are all these times we have just been looking at each other and I have no idea what you are thinking and can’t say what I’m thinking because of my reservations. Do you ever get that feeling when you are with me? Like there are things you want to say but you just can’t? Anyway, I’m also fine with just continuing as we have. I already am having emotions for you, which scare me but excite me at the same time.”

I loved that he was so open about his thoughts and feelings. It was refreshing. I had held back from saying some things when we had just been looking at each other. I just didn’t want to say anything that could mess things up between us. We hadn’t known each other very long yet, but I definitely felt strongly for him. He seemed to be everything I wanted out of a partner. I wanted to get to know him better and share more of myself with him. I wanted to share experiences with him. There is so much I want to do and see in life, and it seemed like he would be a great partner for all of that. I felt scared and excited as well about the emotions I felt for him, though mostly excited. There was a small fear of future heartbreak but I felt I would much rather be open to the possibility of an amazing relationship.

At the end of his email he wrote, “I’ve fallen for you, I admit it. If something bad doesn’t happen soon I will fall for you even more. I’m not worried about anything. I just know that you have the makings of an excellent partner. I’ll take this relationship as far as it can go if you let me. So when you feel like you need to hit the brakes, let me know, seriously, because I’m going hard and fast right now. I’m well over the speed limit with cops chasing me down, but fuck ‘em, you’re fucking great and well worth the chase.”

Your, my, and our futures

The next day I had plans to attend my friend Ashley’s birthday party. First we would be going bowling, then to Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar. Chris had plans to see Young Frankenstein with friends and a date. I was a little jealous. He had previously invited me to go, but I had declined because of Ashley’s birthday party. Clare had exclaimed, “You’re turning down a guy with a # inch dick for a birthday party??!!” What can I say? I’m loyal to my friends. So he had invited someone else from OkCupid for a first date.

The evening was fun. As usual, I sucked at bowling. I learned that Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar is super fun. It took us awhile to get a table, but once we did we were able to relax and enjoy the music. I got very into it all, and kept dancing and singing along. I also text messaged with Chris that night. It turned out his date had stood him up. I was a little happy to hear that. After a couple hours at Pete’s, Ashley and her boyfriend wanted to go back to their place for some drinking and video games. By then, Chris was out of his play, and I invited him to join us at their place. Before he arrived, Ashley had passed out on the couch. But even after he arrived, the rest of us drank and played video games for a couple of hours.

On Sunday I had scheduled to meet a guy from OkCupid at Starbucks for a drink. I guess I went ahead and did it so I could keep my options open. After all, Chris had planned a date, plus I didn’t think he would be willing to get very serious since he would be moving. And Tyler just seemed too busy.

As it got closer to meet the guy at Starbucks, I started becoming apprehensive. I felt like I didn’t want to lose Chris, that I was risking losing him by meeting this guy. It was making me sick inside. I only ended up going because I didn’t want to stand the guy up. After I saw him I wished I had stood him up. He was extremely awkward and gross. He was one of those people that you only talk to because you feel sorry for them. I know I sound like a bitch, but I’m being serious. I tried to stumble through the conversation and quickly drink my trenta iced tea – which is hard work. Finally I said I needed to go, and he said we should see each other again sometime. I just said, “Sure,” and quickly left. I’m not good at turning people down. I ignored any text messages from him later on that week in which he asked what my last name was so he could look me up on Facebook.

I called Chris after the meet up, and he came over. I felt so ready to see him, and told myself, “No more of these stupid dates.” I just wanted to see Chris and Tyler. We watched several episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Big Love. For dinner, we picked up food to go from Fadi’s Mediterranean Grill. We ended up ordering too much because the menu didn’t accurately describe what came with the meals. We were overwhelmed with food. He stayed the night again. He was so easy to sleep by, and we showered together in the morning.

Tyler and I had planned a date for the upcoming Friday night. I was a little worried about it because I didn’t think I should sleep with him since I had been with sleeping with Chris. I told Sophie, “I mean, I practically love Chris already.” But I enjoyed hanging out with Tyler and thought he was a cutie. And I told myself that one or both were going to move, so I should keep my options open.

That Monday, Chris and I emailed back and forth again sending photos of funny stuff and cute kittens. He also sent this to me: "I really enjoyed spending time with you this weekend. I can't remember the last time I was so excited about a girl. Probably never because of my mindset now and how much I know about what I want. There is the whole moving issue. I think an important thing for us to keep doing is spending lots of time doing separate activities so that we don't end up getting hurt or making any crazy decisions. The way I think about it now is that I really like you, I'm picky as shit about girls and finding someone worth spending time and emotional involvement with is really hard. We will both still be meeting new people and there is every chance you will hook up with another amazing guy at any time.  Nothing about that bothers me. For now, my time with friends, family and you have my time booked up and it is not worth it to keep up with OkCupid. My time is valuable to me and right now spending it with you is paying off tremendously."

I wrote back to him, “Being around you makes me insanely happy. Yes, I don't want to get hurt or screw myself over (again). From how things have been so far, I think things would be great between us and I don't see there being any screwing each other over. I honestly don't have any ‘big plans’ for my future other than trying to see the world, and I would like to live in all kinds of different places just to experience it. I just want to enjoy my life to the fullest. I would definitely like to be with someone who wants to travel and try new things with me. I agree that it’s hard to find someone you can enjoy being around this much. I really don't have any doubts about you. You seem to be exactly what I want in a partner. Of course I wouldn't want to give that up, and I wouldn't want to settle for less. It's either being with someone who fits what I need out of a relationship or being alone. I've realized being alone isn't all that bad. It's much better than subjecting myself to a crappy relationship. So...I definitely want to share my valuable time with you. My life has been really great the past few months. I feel so good about life. I love it.”

He responded: “What you said in regards to me was very flattering and I have the same feelings about you. I'm unendingly excited about what our future holds. You are very right about not worrying about being screwed over. We are both good people with similar values in life. There is just so much to be excited about. For the first time in my adult life I'm really happy with the way everything is going because I'm very happy in myself. I love who I have grown up to be and that I have goals and am passionately pursuing them. Since we are both happy with ourselves it makes it so much better to share that with each other. We met at a good time in our lives.  My dad keeps saying, ‘Don't get too serious with anyone. Don't lose sight of your goals.’ For me, I'm not being serious ever again in a relationship.  I'm not a whore and my demeanor and past have made me want to spend time with you because you are worth being with and you bring positivity in my life that is exactly what I want. In fact, things with you are BETTER than anything I was hoping for. Gives me goose bumps just thinking about some of the many things I like about you. So, it makes me very glad to hear that you feel the same way.”

I told him I had talked to my aunt in California and told her about him. She had immediately said to not get serious, because of my last relationship. I told him, “I think everyone wants me to spend plenty of time being single and getting to know myself and being happy with myself. And so far so good. I've had so much fun with my friends and family the past few months and I've had lots of great alone time.” I added, “I definitely wasn't expecting to meet someone so awesome. I didn't think I would ever feel this good with someone. I love how passionate you are about things, and I would never want you to lose sight of your goals because of me or any other girl. I am excited about your, my, and our futures.”

He wrote back, “I think my dad just wants to make sure I don't get attached enough to anyone to change my plans about moving.  He knows how much it means to me to be able to fulfill that goal so I am sure he's just watching out for me.”

Then he invited me for a date to see Cirque du Soleil ‘Ovo’ on February 1. I was thrilled.

I told Sophie our conversation and she pointed out that I would be in a lot of pain when he moves. I told her I felt that pain would be worth it for a few months of complete happiness. I wrote, “I would move if things stayed great between us. If this is really how it would always be with him then I will do whatever to make it work. My goals in life are to see the world and live in different places. Seattle sounds interesting anyway. And if things don't stay like this for us then it's fine. I definitely have a few months straight with him so I will be able to get to know him well. So if things stay the way they are going then I will find a way to make it work. I might not even mind if we weren't in a relationship and he moves and we chat all the time and try to see each other. This is too good to let go of. I mean, I've never felt this intensely about someone, plus he has all the qualities I want out of a guy.”