Friday, July 29, 2011

Could we know this soon?

That night I went to his house to stay the night since it was supposed to snow and ice again over night. We both worked from his house the next day. It was great being able to work side by side. He told me, “It seems like the better we get to know each other the more enjoyable our time together becomes.” We started calling each other the best boyfriend and best girlfriend ever. We also basically said I love you without saying it. He said he didn’t want to say it for a long time, but then was saying, “Could we know this soon?” We both admitted that we have had to stop ourselves from saying it. We had mouthed it to each other the night before. He also said to me, “I’m thinking that right now.” So we were playing the game of saying it without saying it.

We discussed the move some more. I basically told him that if things continue to go well while he’s there and for a few months after he leaves, then I will move up there. It excited me to no end. I just hoped my company would be ok with that.

We continued to be corny throughout the day. We laughed at ourselves, but kept it up. We agreed that what we have seems rare. He said, “You fill a hole in my heart that I didn’t know I had.” I started to think we should quit worrying about the future. I was beginning to accept that my life would be great no matter what. Even if we changed our minds about each other, at least we had some great times together. We said we should always be open with each other, even if it was negative, because that was the key to making a relationship work.

Our sex life was going well too, in that it was getting better every time and that we were able to be open with each other. It happened three times that day in his king size bed, and after the third time we both admitted that we were sore and wouldn’t be able to do it again even if we wanted to. Chris said he felt like he could be more open with me than anyone he had ever slept with, and I felt the same way. After sex, we would just lie in the bed holding each other and looking into each other’s eyes. Looking back on it, Chris says, “If saying I love you was hard to not say just being around you in general, not saying it after the mind blowing sex we had was next to impossible.”

On Thursday I spent some time thinking about my goals, and about if I ended up moving. I had started getting into the idea of not buying things I didn’t need. I decided I would rather save my money for something like moving. I wanted a new television because I had an old, crappy one, but I would rather save the money for moving. Plus, I wouldn’t want to haul a television across the country. These kinds of things were running through my mind that day.

Chris hinted that he was having something sent to my office for Valentine’s Day. I was extremely excited. My ex had not been particularly romantic, so it was very refreshing to have this again. I’ll admit it – I love being spoiled. After all, I am an only child.

On Friday we planned to go out with his sister and his cousin from Germany. I was feeling extremely tired at work that day and hoped I would be able to perk up after I left work. I don’t go out dancing or barhopping very often, so I wasn’t used to being up that late, especially after a full day at work. Chris went home for lunch and was able to meet his German cousin, Heike, at that time. He found she liked drinking and “dancing to electronic music,” so that was our plan for the evening. I can’t dance. I have no rhythm whatsoever. He said, “I know, I know, you can’t dance. No worries. We are all white. I just want to have my body against you so it will be fun even if we aren’t any good at dancing.” I couldn’t argue with that.

I told Clare I was going out dancing that night, and she filled up our instant message screen with a lot of “lololololol,” “LOL,” and “hahahahaha.” My lack of rhythm was well known. She suggested I take a few shots to get through it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

On a time limit

Sophie and I met Chris at Chuy’s at 8 p.m., right after he got off work. They immediately hit it off and were soon making gross jokes. Yes, the talk turned to poop. They seemed to have an obsession with talking about it. I just kept laughing. Then their discussion turned to how they get grossed out about anything to do with the nose. I found it hilarious that they could talk openly about poop, but felt so disgusted by nose stuff. And I loved that they hit it off immediately.

After I got home that night, I started reading a self-help book my counselor had recommended to me. I felt like a dork about reading it but it did make me think. The book talked a lot about how we shouldn’t blame our unhappiness on others. It reminded me of how much my ex had annoyed me and how much I had wanted him to change. I had hoped he would change. For awhile I had even tried to be okay with who he was. I shouldn’t have thought I could change someone else or tried to force myself to be happy with someone who clearly wasn’t right for me. Thinking about that made me feel even better about my relationship with Chris. He had the personality traits I wanted in a relationship.

The next day Chris sent me possibly the longest email I had ever received. It discussed our future and his move. He wrote, “I hope you really think about what is going on with us and can make your decision about us smartly.” He said his situation in Washington will be one hundred percent different than it is now, and would make our interactions very different. He said, “In my opinion if I were you I would be thinking less about making the relationship work and more about, ‘Do I want to live in the Seattle area any time soon?’” He said he would be following his plans no matter what; that he really likes me but I would have to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. He said it made him sad to think our relationship may be on a time limit. He wrote that he was considering deleting his whole email and just emailing me about Valentine’s Day and other happy things. He said he felt better though if he knew I was thinking about us and the scenario we were facing.

“I have never felt so strongly so quickly about someone as I do with you,” he wrote. The best case scenario he could think of for us was if I looked into the move and found it if I could transfer there or find a new job. Then I stay here until my apartment lease is up and save up as much money as I can. If I moved up there, we would be living separately and in different towns, him with his best friends there. He said his next year was completely planned out, and if we made it through that year, anything would be possible.

I wasn’t sure if my bosses would let me transfer to another office quite yet. I had been with the company for just over a year and a half. I had tried to not think too much about the moving situation because I wanted to enjoy the present. I felt I should stay at my office for at least another year to gain more trust and experience before I asked to transfer. I doubted I would be able to any time this year. I wasn’t worried about moving. I wanted to go somewhere new, and the west coast sounded amazing. My only worry was job security. Maybe I worry too much, but I liked my job and wanted to keep it. I didn’t want to have to find a new one. I thought about discussing the possibility of moving at my annual review in July. My lease ended in October. My credit card debt and my car would be paid off this year. After that I could start saving for moving. And maybe my bosses would agree to possibly let me move after this year.

Chris added that while he would be in Texas, he was going to enjoy every second he got to spend with me. He wrote, “I know things like this are not at all common. I’m not just ‘infatuated’ with you.” He said he knew we were an amazing match, but to remember that there are other men out there. He didn’t want me to end up resenting him for moving. He also said he wasn’t sure if people are meant to be with one person their whole lives, since we all change so much. He couldn’t believe how much he had changed in the past five or so years. I agreed that we all change a lot over time. My coworker had just pointed out how much I have changed in the past year, and for the better. I felt I got to know myself better all the time.

His email made me feel emotional. Our scenario did kind of suck. But in a way it was awesome because it proved to me that he didn’t want to stay in the same place the rest of his life. My exes had been unmotivated people who had no interest in moving out of state. I wanted to see the world, so that had driven me insane. It was refreshing to be dating someone with so much passion for life.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Such a man

On Monday, I started searching online for possible Valentine’s Day gift ideas for Chris. I ended up at which has geeky gifts. Since he and I are geeky, that worked for me. I forwarded some of the things I liked to Sophie. I saw some cheesy shirts and wanted to get them, but since we weren’t saying ‘I love you’ I didn’t think they would be appropriate. I was feeling cheesy though.

Chris and I talked about just cooking a meal together for Valentine’s Day since we were both in what we called ‘super budgeting mode.’ Even though we were in that, he did message me that day to see if I would want to with him and his family to see Bill Maher in March. Tickets were $60, not cheap, but it was one of those things to spring for. I liked how we were planning so far ahead for things to do together.

He had starting posting photos of me on his Facebook, which was his step toward telling the rest of his family and friends that I exist and he likes me, and then eventually saying we are a couple. Underneath one of the photos, his mom commented, “Who is Anne? You know I have to ask these questions!” I laughed, and he said he needed to call her.

While discussing Valentine’s Day, Chris suggested I buy a sexy outfit to wear for him. He wrote, “Oh, the outfits I’ve imagined you in…” He was such a man and I loved it. It seemed like so many men I had previously dated had been very ‘meh’ about all that stuff. I loved that he showed so much interest in it. It was another one of those things that felt very high school with him in a very good way.

I realized that day that I wouldn’t be able to live with Chris for two or more years since he would be moving. Part of me pouted while part of me thought, “Woohoo!” I loved having my own space and alone time so much after my ex moved out. Though I also thought it would be nice to live with Chris because he is quite awesome and fun to look at. Yes, I checked him out constantly. He and I both did that, and it felt so good to feel that way. I really felt the relationship would last a long time. It felt so right. I had never felt this happy with a guy and been able to be myself this much.

I felt like I pretty much loved him already. I thought, if he left my life this instant I would be very upset. With each day that went by, I felt I would be even more upset over a possible breakup/disappearance/death/whatever. (Yes, I am very imaginative.) But it also felt okay. I hated the idea of being broken hearted, but it seemed worth it for the happiness I was currently feeling. After all, happiness like this seemed to be good for my body. It caused lots of endorphins and less stress.

Chris told me his grandparents were coming down for the weekend and bringing a distant young cousin with them who was visiting from Germany. He and his sister planned to take her out on the town and he wanted me to come with them. I was excited to meet more of his family, as well as hang out with someone from outside the United States.

I dragged Sophie to Target with me after work to search for gifts. I knew he liked gummy bears so that was a definite buy. I found the $10 funny t-shirt area for men and searched for a shirt I thought would be a good fit for him. I ended up with a ‘White Castle Employee of the Month’ t-shirt.

After Target, Sophie and I planned to meet Chris for dinner at Chuy’s. This would be their first time to meet.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Chris's memories from the last post

After Chris read the last post, he wrote this about his memories of that time:

I watched her test the strength of the ice on the edge of the stream we were standing near.  She seemed very engaged in the task so I took the opportunity to sneak up and give her a playful shove, being sure to hold on to her so she didn't actually go anywhere.  She looked so irresistibly cute when she pouted about my little attempt that I couldn't hold back any longer.  I wrapped my hands around her slender waist and lifted her up in my arms.  I just wanted to have her at that moment.  We giggled a little and I brought her down to my lips for a kiss.  Her soft, warm lips were a wonderful contrast to the freezing cold air.  I picture us making out in the snow next to that frozen stream and just the thought of how I felt at that moment makes me feel warm to this day. I was in love with her before I even knew what was happening.

I felt pretty banged up at the end of the sledding for sure.  I was having such a good time through that I kept going long after I was in pain. 

I don't remember her stomach hurting when we were at the hookah lounge. She was doing an awesome job hiding it and being sexy!

Shopping with her was great because I felt really amazing putting on the right sized clothes and those ‘wow’ looks I was getting from her did a number on my ego.  

He's the one

Dallas ended up being snowed and iced in for the remainder of that week. I had the joy of working from home for the rest of the week, as did Chris. We were supposed to go to Cirque du Soleil Ovo on Tuesday night but it was cancelled due to the weather.

While we both sat at home on Tuesday, we instant messaged each other through Skype, and kept saying how nice it would be to be cuddled together to stay warm. He wanted to come to my apartment, but when he looked outside and saw that the roads were pure ice he decided not to risk it. I had planned to go to Oklahoma that weekend to visit friends and family, but realized it would still be freezing over the weekend. I wrote him, “Hopefully we will be able to see each other tomorrow.” He wrote back, “The second the main roads are safe I’m coming over.” I told him to just not risk anything. We chatted back and forth about how I was out of tea and how his stepmom was making homemade popcorn. I even took the time to bathe my cats, which is always a tough thing to do.

On Wednesday, he decided it was safe to come over to visit me. Clare and I were instant messaging that day, and she wrote, “If he brings you tea, he’s the one.” I cracked up, and hoped that he would bring tea. I have an unhealthy obsession with unsweet tea. And I can’t seem to make it right myself. I buy myself gallons of it from McAlister’s Deli and Chick-fil-A. I was shocked when Chris arrived carrying two gallons of unsweet tea. He and I both love unsweet tea. We kept each other warm that day and he joined me for my addiction to Big Love. We watched most of season four that day. On Thursday, he had to work from his office while I worked from home again.

He picked me up Friday afternoon and we went to his place. We went for a walk in the snow and ice, back over to the creek we had visited the week before. We stood next to the iced over creek, and I tapped it with my boot a few times. Chris pretended to push me in, and then picked me up in the air, and we kissed.

A bunch of kids were sledding down a small hill by the side of the road. It was a sadly small hill for sledding, but we do live in Texas. Chris and I started chatting with some of the older kids. The kids started offering to let us use their sleds too. He immediately took a turn. I had never been on a sled before so I was a bit nervous, and had to have the kids show me how. Soon I was sledding down the hill and loving it. It felt great even when I landed in the bushes. We all took turns for a long time until Chris bruised his knee pretty badly and was done with it.

We went on another walk later and made snow angels, even taking video of it on his phone. We signed our names in the snow next to them.

On Friday night he said it was going to be so hard in a few months, especially if he falls in love with me. I found out he doesn't want to say, "I love you," for at least a year. He thought those words get used too much, and we could be complimenting and expressing our feelings for each other with more unique words. We admitted that we've both almost said, "I love you,” though.

The ice had melted by Saturday so we ventured out to try a few bubble tea restaurants (my addiction), to pick up my new prescription sunglasses, and take him clothes and shoe shopping. He had lost a lot of weight in the past few months so he needed some well-fitting clothes. We ended up at Kohl’s for everything. It was wonderful helping him shop and seeing him model the clothes. He looked so hot in his new clothes. I hoped I hadn’t dressed him in too tight of clothes, but I thought he looked sexy.

That night I was to meet his sister, Abby, for the first time. I was extremely nervous leading up to it. He and Abby are close, and hang out all the time. I really wanted her to like me. When I saw her I felt better. She was dressed casually in jeans and a Happy Bunny t-shirt (for all those who remember the Happy Bunny trend). She ended up being really nice and funny, and I felt pretty comfortable.  

The three of us decided to try out a hookah lounge by their dad’s house. It was BYOB so we first went to the nearby Tom Thumb to pick up some wine. The hookah lounge was Egyptian themed and very dark inside. We chatted and did some people watching while drinking and smoking, then oohed and ahhed when a belly dancer arrived. We enjoyed watching the belly dancer but were quickly becoming tired of smoking and drinking. My stomach hurt a lot though, so I wasn’t able to enjoy the evening as much as I could have. I felt so full from the dinner his stepmom had cooked and all the wine. Even though I felt disgusting, Chris kept shooting me the ‘I want you so bad’ looks. We left at midnight, and went back to their dad’s house for a round of Scrabble which I won. We finally went to bed at 3:30 a.m.

On Sunday we watched more of Big Love and just relaxed. He took me home at 8 p.m., and of course we ended up chatting on Skype before going to bed. We started planning for Valentine’s Day the next weekend.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Mathematically correct

I woke up that Saturday morning safely in Chris’s arms. I planned to go out later that night with some friends I had interned with previously, but my day was open and I wanted to spend it with him.

We took the day slowly, just relaxing. We decided to take walk since it was 70 degrees outside, amazing for January. He led me to a creek a few blocks from his house where there was a tiny, but pretty, waterfall. We sat on the edge of a little cliff looking over the creek and waterfall. I started rolling my jeans up from the heat. We talked for nearly an hour in that spot, mainly about the move and our feelings for each other. It was relaxing, and I felt extremely happy.

He suggested we go back to his house and get in the hammock in his backyard. I loved that idea. Hammocks are extremely comfortable. We walked back, got in the hammock, and napped a little. When we woke up we gazed into each other’s eyes, and I wanted to say, “Let’s be boyfriend-girlfriend,” or, “I love you.” Both thoughts kept running through my mind.

We moved back into the house, to his bed, and were soon rolling around together. After we finished, we cuddled and did more of our eye-M’s where we said, “I love you,” with our eyes. Again, I wanted to say either, “Let’s be boyfriend-girlfriend,” or, “I love you.” I weighed the options in my head, and decided I would sound less crazy if I said boyfriend-girlfriend.

“So…would you like to be boyfriend-girlfriend?” I finally asked, gazing up into his eyes. He instantly smiled and said yes. I was floating on air the rest of the afternoon.

I met up with my friends that evening, and when they asked what was new, I said, “So I just got a boyfriend today…” It was hilarious. We hadn’t seen each other in awhile, and they were very pleased I wasn’t with my ex anymore.

Chris and I hung out the next day, and I learned he wasn’t quite ready to tell his friends and family that he was in a relationship. But I understood his reasoning. He didn’t want anyone to think or worry that he wouldn’t be moving now that he and I were together. He was also worried about them asking, “Why are you doing this when you’re going to be moving?” Of course, a few of his family members didn't want him to leave. His stepmom kept asking about me and saying he should invite me over for dinner, seemingly to encourage him to stick around Texas. We talked about all of this, and the solution was that he would slowly tell his friends and family more about me, mention hanging out with me, and put pictures of us together on Facebook, so they wouldn't be as freaked out when they found out we're in a relationship. When we first started talking about this I was afraid he wanted to take the label off our relationship. But he said he feels like it would be silly to not be in a relationship with me. I loved that statement.

I did feel a bit different around him now that we had that label. I felt like I could be a little more boring, and that he could go with me on my errands. But I also didn't want to do that to him. I wanted to keep things fun. I felt we would be ok though. We talked a lot about being open with each other and telling the other exactly what we want. We also talked more about our past. We talked about fights with our exes. I kept saying I want to avoid those arguments over small things. I also said I didn't want to take things out on him when I'm having a bad day. He said he will tell me if I'm taking it out on him, and just to let him know if I'm a bad mood so he can make me laugh. I loved his attitude toward that.

I called my dad on Monday morning on my way to work to tell him I was now in a relationship. He didn’t seem to care either way though. I also told one of my female coworkers that morning. She was happy for me. I was worried that some people might say to me, "Why are you doing this when he will be moving?" My dad kind of hinted at that. My coworker said, "So you could move there if there's an office there..." I said there are three. I also didn't want people at work to think I would be moving. It’s just not a good thing for people to know. She also added in that if things go well I could move, which is exactly how I feel.

Chris told me he would be moving by the end of June. It made me feel kind of sick to hear more of a date. I could already tell that it would be hell for me if things stayed this great with us. I told Sophie, “At least he will be here for my birthday. It's just going to be insane going from seeing him all the time and having the normal relationship of watching TV together, having dinner together, going out and about together to switching to the whole communicating only through phone and internet and not seeing him face to face.” There is Skype which he used all the time with his friends in Washington. I supposed we could have Skype dates. I kept telling myself I should worry about it when the time comes, not right now. It turned my stomach into knots to think about him leaving.

Sophie and I started talking about weddings that day and I started to imagine marrying Chris in a town square of a small town in Mexico with a small amount of my friends and family around. I had always liked that idea after studying abroad in Mexico five years ago. It was easy to imagine him in that scenario, especially since he loved Mexico as much as I did.

He emailed me that morning to say he had a great time last night. He wrote, “I enjoy being able to talk to you about my thoughts. Your responses are just so great that it makes me like you more every time I’m honest with you. There is almost never a second while I’m with you where I’m not hit with a feeling of enjoyment in some way.” I felt the same way. It was amazing how close I felt with him and how much fun I had with him.

He added, “Wrapping my arms around you feels like a lock being fit with a key. It’s a perfect mathematically correct hug I think. I want to get measurements and see if I can make a proof.”