Thursday, June 9, 2011

Worth the chase

Chris came over that night but left at midnight. He just came over with his dinner, ate, and we ended up in bed. We had two tries. The first time didn’t go so well and I ended up telling him I was hurting. He said to always be open about that stuff. The second time worked out very well. He had first tried to leave at 11 p.m., but it was so hard to say bye to each other. I loved having him over all the time, but I was starting to notice my lack of sleep and lack of getting stuff done around my apartment.

The next day Sophie and I were whining to each other about vacuums. She didn’t have one and mine didn’t seem to be doing a very good job. I wrote, “Maybe my dad will get me one as a birthday present. Isn’t it sad that I want a vacuum as a gift? I am getting old.”

Then we got on to the topic of Valentine’s Day. She was already starting to worry about planning Valentine’s Day with her boyfriend. I joked that I needed to ask Chris to be my valentine. I wrote, “For Valentine’s Day, I would like to try something new, something outside of just dinner. I think it will be next to impossible to go out to eat anyway. Maybe Chris and I could cook together or pick up something to go from somewhere. Or we just could eat something small and do a new activity such as a couples’ massage or a play or a comedy club or something. I totally want to buy him stuff. I want to buy him little gifts but I’m not sure what he likes yet. I only know about big things he likes, not small things like types of candy or gum.”

We joked that we wanted something good for Valentine’s Day. She had been single for three years, and thus had been waiting a long time for this. I was excited because my ex hadn’t been into holidays and gift giving, thus I had received nothing. Sophie said, “It doesn’t surprise me that he didn’t get you things. I think he is just so anti-everything fun so he can continue to do nothing forever. He needs a good kick in the butt.” That just reminded of how much I loved that Chris liked to go out and do new things. It made me so freaking happy.

I thought Chris was the type to give romantic gifts. And I had to admit that what I would really enjoy would be a letter or poem talking about how wonderful I am. (Yes, I am a nerd and you can all laugh at me.) I also thought it would be nice if the guy did something for me that I normally don’t do for myself, such as fixing something in my apartment.

At work that day one of my coworkers instant messaged me a random, nice bit of encouragement: “You can go far in this life – be and do anything you want.” I liked that. I told Chris about it, and he wrote, “True on all counts. We should have goals and then do whatever it takes to accomplish them and have a blast along the way.”

I sent him some photos I had taken while in California, and he responded with, “My god you are pretty. I just can’t help but feel happy when I see you. You are just a pleasure to look at.” He invited me to have movie night the next night with the couple I had previously met. I already had plans with Sophie for that night, and plans for Friday and Saturday. I was feeling overwhelmed with things to do. He and I talked about how our budgets were currently drained. We encouraged each other, and he wrote, “I’ll always be down for some at home activities whenever.” Thank goodness. I loved going out and doing new things, but I was starting to have a hard time keeping up with myself. It was great to finally have a lot going on here though. I had really missed my friends back in Oklahoma for awhile. I still missed them but I was now so busy that I didn’t mind as much. I told him I needed to go back and visit soon.

I wrote, “This is nerdy, but I would love to take you up there sometime to show you where I grew up, matured, had fun times, and had sad times. Sometimes when I’m up there it’s like a memory box gets dumped out right in front of me. Not always a good thing.” I also told him he needed to try my favorite Mexican restaurant and favorite boba tea place that are in Oklahoma. He replied, “I’d love to make that trip with you some time. It would be amazing to learn more about you and where you grow up. I’m always down for a trip on the weekend.”

Then we talked about friendship, and how we have different relationships with different people, though we have fun with all of them. I admitted that I often talk to Sophie about him. She was experiencing the same feelings with her boyfriend. She joked that she makes herself sick because she’s so lovey-dovey over him.

I had recently spoken with Jay and told him about Chris. He said he was glad I was happy, but just reminded me that Chris will be moving. I told Chris about this, and just said Jay was a guy friend, which is true. He wrote, “Yeah, there is always my moving as an issue. I wrote a hugely long thing about me moving but have decided not to send it, ended up just being me saying how I feel about it, and since you are aware of my situation I’d rather just let you handle your own decisions.”  

I couldn’t help but feel a little curious about what he had written. People had already been asking me the what if question. Sometimes I wanted to discuss it with Chris, but I also wanted to try just try to enjoy the time we do have being in the same area. I also didn’t want to hold back my feelings just because he was moving. I didn’t want to close myself off from falling for him (although it had kind of already happened). I told him, “I guess we will see what happens while you are living here and figure it out from there. We could end up not being interested by the time you leave. If things are still going this way…then we can figure out what to do. Either way, I will be supportive of your goals (if you’re supportive of mine, of course).”

He wrote, “We should just talk about the moving thing when we are together. There is much to say and I’ve decided at this point to just be blunt and honest with you. I could use someone to talk to about the whole situation anyway. I feel like I’ve been getting only one sided points of view because I only talk about it with the same people. If you feel comfortable we should just be open with each other when we are together and really talk. I feel like right now there is so much that goes unsaid. There are all these times we have just been looking at each other and I have no idea what you are thinking and can’t say what I’m thinking because of my reservations. Do you ever get that feeling when you are with me? Like there are things you want to say but you just can’t? Anyway, I’m also fine with just continuing as we have. I already am having emotions for you, which scare me but excite me at the same time.”

I loved that he was so open about his thoughts and feelings. It was refreshing. I had held back from saying some things when we had just been looking at each other. I just didn’t want to say anything that could mess things up between us. We hadn’t known each other very long yet, but I definitely felt strongly for him. He seemed to be everything I wanted out of a partner. I wanted to get to know him better and share more of myself with him. I wanted to share experiences with him. There is so much I want to do and see in life, and it seemed like he would be a great partner for all of that. I felt scared and excited as well about the emotions I felt for him, though mostly excited. There was a small fear of future heartbreak but I felt I would much rather be open to the possibility of an amazing relationship.

At the end of his email he wrote, “I’ve fallen for you, I admit it. If something bad doesn’t happen soon I will fall for you even more. I’m not worried about anything. I just know that you have the makings of an excellent partner. I’ll take this relationship as far as it can go if you let me. So when you feel like you need to hit the brakes, let me know, seriously, because I’m going hard and fast right now. I’m well over the speed limit with cops chasing me down, but fuck ‘em, you’re fucking great and well worth the chase.”

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