Thursday, June 23, 2011

Feeling guilty

I emailed Chris that Friday morning after our talk the night before. I wanted to elaborate on things I had said the night before, and just tell him what a great night I’d had with him. I told him, “I’m so glad we met. Even if we only have a short time together it’s still wonderful. And if we have a long time together…even better.” I also elaborated on the fact that if I moved it wouldn’t be just for him, but also because I want to see the world and live all over.

He wrote back and agreed that last night was amazing. He told me, “The reason I wanted to have that conversation has nothing to do with not liking you and everything to do with liking you tremendously. I’m not worrying about it anymore after our talk. I have made the decision to just let this go where it goes.” He said the fact that I want to travel and try new places is one of the things that draws him to me. He added, “Knowing you is brining my emotional and physical well being to a place I didn’t think I could reach so soon. I hope that I can enrich your life as well. So, I’m ready to hold hands and walk forward together. You keep an eye out for hidden traps and I’ll fend off the wild animals!”

He couldn’t have said it better. I actually teared up in happiness. Of course, part of me was also wondering why I was going on the date with Tyler that night.

After work I went home to get ready for the date. I drove to Tyler’s place to meet him. He immediately offered me a drink when I arrived, which I found charming. We sat and had a drink, before heading to the area of the comedy club. Things were going fine and I was enjoying being around him. However, Chris kept entering my mind. Tyler and I arrived at the area of the comedy club and decided to eat at a Mexican restaurant close to it. I realized this restaurant was one that Chris had recommended to me. The food was great, but the conversation was a little slow over dinner. Things were more enjoyable once we walked into the comedy club. It was crowded so we stood close to each other and grabbed a couple of drinks. We didn’t have to wait long before finding a seat.

The show was great. We were cracking up at the act and everything around us. I was in good spirits as we left and drove back to his place. But then the worrying set in. He hinted at me staying the night so we could go to the chili festival by him in the morning. I wanted to go to it. I’d had a great evening with him. But I didn’t want to sleep with him. After we got to his place, laziness set in and I decided to stay the night. (My apartment was 30 minutes away.) I curled up on the edge of his bed and made sure to say how tired I was. He kept hugging me though and showing interest in wanting to mess around. I kept lightly pushing him away and feeling guilty in more than one way. I felt guilty to him because I wasn’t interested. I felt guilty to Chris because I had been on a date with Tyler and was now in his bed. My head was pounding with guilt and confusion. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. I wanted to see Chris. Then I suddenly knew what I had to do.

I stood up and announced, “I don’t think I can sleep. I need to go home.” I quickly yanked my clothes back on and grabbed my purse. Tyler was disappointed and hugged me bye. I hurried to my car, and when I turned the key in the ignition, I let out a sigh of relief. I pulled out my phone and called Chris. He was half asleep when he answered.

“Can I come over and stay the night?” I asked. He immediately said yes, and I headed to his house. It was still a long drive away and my mind was racing the whole time. I felt extreme guilt, and kept wondering I smelled like Tyler. I cried a little as I drove and hoped I hadn’t ruined things with Chris.

When I got to his place, he sleepily greeted me at the door, and I told him I needed a shower. We got in the shower together, and he didn’t seem to notice another man’s smell on me. We hugged in the shower and I whispered, “I love you,” without realizing it. He didn’t seem to hear me though, so I was relieved.

After our shower, we curled up in his bed and went to sleep. The next day was one of the best days I’ve ever had.

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