Monday, June 20, 2011

Can't you have both?

That Thursday night with Chris was emotional. I wanted to say I love you to him a zillion times. I could feel the words floating around us. But I didn’t want to be the first to say it, and I didn’t want to have cancel Friday night’s date with Tyler.

I met Chris at his house and we went to CafĂ© Brazil for dinner. As we shared quesadillas, he started talking seriously about his move. He said he felt guilty for moving away from his family and just wished they could be in Washington. At first he was sounding very depressing, like he possibly didn’t like me as much as I thought he did. He said something about how I should go on dates with others, seemingly to get more experience before committing to this relationship. My eyes were tearing up and I was wishing I were at home. He said he is putting his career first, though he does want a special someone and to be around his family. He said he could do more for the world as a scientist. I said, “Can’t you have both?” Then he was talking like he could, but he just has to go Washington and focus on school for awhile. I felt a little confused and let down.

Then he said it is basically up to me if I want to pursue a relationship, that I am an adult and can decide what I want to do. He said he is going to move there, and he will be living with his friends while they are all in school. Basically, it was up to me if I would want to move there on my own, that we could be in a relationship, but he has to live with his friends while he has the chance and focus on school. He said he doesn’t want to be selfish, and that he was afraid we were being selfish by pursuing this relationship. He added that he doesn’t want me to make a big decision like that and later resent him for it.

I told him I don’t plan on staying in Texas forever anyway, and that I want to live all over, so it doesn’t bother me. It fits into my dreams because I do want to see the world and live in different places. I admitted it would be hard to leave my friends and family, but I would eventually be doing it anyway because this is what my dreams involve. We both said we wouldn’t want to give up someone so awesome because it’s hard to find. We made a pact to show each other our “bad” sides and not hide anything from each other, so that we could make an all around good decision about each other. After this, I admitted that I have been in counseling the past few months and it turned out he has been in it before too.

When we got back to his house and out of the car, he hugged me tight and said, “We don’t have to talk about moving anymore. We should just enjoy each other.” We went inside, watched funny videos online, and then ended up in his bed. It was awesome. He said it was the best ever. Okay, I know this may sound nerdy, but I could feel the love in it too. We weren’t just being sweet and making love, but I could feel love surrounding us and making it even more enjoyable. Afterward we kept gazing into each other’s eyes and touching each other. I didn’t even care that he was covered in sweat. He was beautiful to me.

After I told Sophie about the previous night’s talk with Chris, I wrote to her, “Wow. It’s a bit crazy to think that, in a way, I just made the decision to move 2400 miles away for a guy.” I loved it though. I wanted to live all around the world anyway.

Tyler and I were planning to go to a comedy club for our date that night. His first idea was to go to a play…the one that Chris and I had been to the Friday before. When I received that text message, I immediately told one of my female coworkers, and I may have fell to the floor laughing. Of course he would invite me to that play.

I felt confused all day before the date.  I told Sophie I knew I would choose Chris over Tyler, but there was the fear of Chris moving and us not being together, and Tyler might not move. The way I felt with Chris was beautiful and I didn’t feel that way with Tyler. The feeling with Chris seemed hard to find. There was just such an instant connection. I felt that Tyler was fun and I enjoyed spending time with him. But Chris could be it for me. I also didn’t want to reject Tyler again, like I had for Jay. That was dumb and I felt bad for doing it to him. But then again, maybe it wasn’t right to keep dating him while I was falling in love with someone else.

Tyler had also suggested I could stay the night with him after our date and we could go to a chili festival the next morning. I wanted to go to it, but I wanted to stay away from sleeping by him. I knew where that could lead, and I only wanted to sleep with Chris.

Tyler texted me while I was at work: “Can’t wait to kiss those sweet, sweet lips!!” My first thought was, I’m screwed.

Sophie asked, “How are you able to keep them from each other so well? I think I would have already slipped.” That question made my stomach turn in guilt. It didn’t necessarily feel like I was hiding them from each other, but I hadn’t been outright honest. Tyler and I didn’t talk or see each other that often. With Chris, it was an everyday thing. Tyler and I talked on the phone once a week and exchanged the occasional text. It was the weird kind of dating I always read about in magazines like Cosmo, but had never experienced. My relationships were always: meet the guy, start hanging out with him all the time, and get in a relationship with him. Things with Chris were following the norm for me. But I hadn’t told Chris what I was doing that night. All I said was that I had plans. He had told me before about planning to go on a date and being stood up. He had told me I should see other people. But I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him.

It was starting to feel like he and I were about to be boyfriend-girlfriend though, definitely based on the email he had just sent.

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