Thursday, March 31, 2011

The wave of guilt

On my drive home, I tried calling both Sophie and Clare. I was desperate to talk about this date. Neither answered. I texted Jay when I got home to let him know I was alive. He had requested that beforehand. He didn’t respond, but I didn’t worry because he was probably asleep.

The next day was a Friday. I texted good morning to Jay at 8 and didn’t hear anything until the afternoon. Of course, in that time period, I started to have the fear of him being upset with me. Jay finally responded and asked how the date had done. I just told him it went ok and luckily he didn’t ask any questions.

I talked to my dad on the phone before work that day. We are pretty close, so I told him about the date and how it went well, but it’s slightly unfortunate because I now like two boys.  My dad told me I don’t have to tell either of them about the other one if it’s just dating. I exclaimed, “DAD!!”

I finally got a hold of Sophie that day and updated her on the date. I also complained to her about the confusion of liking two boys. She suggested seeing Tyler a few more times to be sure. I told her that I felt like I was in high school with all this dating and making out in backseats. I joked that it was much better than high school though because this time there were no parents and I get to live alone.

Tyler texted me during the work day and asked if I would like to hang out on Saturday night – the next night. I agreed, and we decided to meet again at the Mexican restaurant where we had been drinking the night before and actually try the food.

Saturday night came. We met up at the Mexican restaurant. After we ate, I dragged him into the bar area to check the score of that day’s OU football game. (I’m an OU graduate so I have to check these things.) Then he told me had a flask of vodka in his car. We went out to his car where he took a shot from the flask. He offered it to me.

“No thanks, I suck at shots. You don’t want me throwing up in your car,” I said. I suggested heading to Sonic Drive-In nearby for fruity drinks to mix the vodka into. He agreed and we drove over there, laughing at how this was such a college thing to do. I worked at Sonic while in college and would definitely bring fruity drinks home to mix with my liquor. After mixing up our drinks we drove back to the parking lot of the Mexican restaurant and sat there talking about college drinking experiences while sipping on our fruity vodka drinks. Upon completion of the drinks we headed back into the bar.

We ordered drinks and kept the OU game in sight. The topic soon switching from college drinking experiences to sex – past experiences and things we would like to try. After the exciting make out session two nights before, this was definitely an interesting topic to me. We talked about previous relationships a little, and then I decided to be honest with him that I was also dating someone else, Jay. He didn’t mind at all, surprisingly to me. He was very cool about everything. We spent the rest of the OU game joking around. 

Once the game ended, we walked out to his car. He grinned at me, and suggested moving the car to the back of the parking lot. I giggled and agreed. Once he had parked the car near the back, we started kissing. Soon we were again in his backseat. Shirts came off. And then it happened - a wave of guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. Jay’s face entered my mind. Tyler quickly noticed the change in my demeanor and asked if everything was ok. I was again honest with him and explained that I was feeling guilty about ‘the other guy.’ He was extremely nice about it, again, and apologized for taking things too far.

“No, no, don’t apologize. I enjoyed it,” I told him. We got back in the front seat of his car and he drove back to my car. We parted ways as the guilt shook me up. Yes, I’d had a great date with him again. He was fun, closer to my age than Jay, and I loved how we were acting like high schoolers. But that didn’t stop the guilt.

Jay came over the next day with an invitation and I responded with one as well.

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