Thursday, March 31, 2011

What I didn't want

Being single also meant I was able to experience dating again. I decided to try this out first with a boy in Oklahoma named Wes. I had known him for nearly two years and always thought he was a cutie. Our friends had actually introduced us thinking we would make a good match. I was with my ex when they did this though so I just took him on as a friend. Now I had my opportunity to take things a step further. I spent a few weekends in Oklahoma with him just hanging out with him and his friends. For Halloween we all dressed as zombies and took part in a parade.

It was an amazing night. I felt incredibly free running down the street dressed as a zombie. I have to admit - that was one of my most freeing experiences. I didn't care anymore what people thought of me. My ex would have told me it was a waste of time, that I was just being silly, etc. But I was having an amazingly fun time being silly.

I found Wes to be fun. I goofed off with him and his friends for a few weeks. Soon after we first started hanging out, he said something like, “I’ve never fell in love with a girl like I’ve fell in love with you” or “I haven’t fell in love in a long time like I’ve fell in love with you.” And he said, “Love you,” on Saturday when I left. I just smiled and said that I’ve always felt romance with him. And I had. The first night we ever really hung out nearly two years prior we saw shooting stars. I had a bit of a crush on him while I was with my ex, and we had dated for a bit when my ex and I had broke up for two months earlier in the year. (The October breakup was the second and final breakup.)

My friend asked what Wes and I’s status was after this announcement. I didn’t want to talk to him about status at all. I didn’t want to become committed again too soon. I wrote to her, “I want to float around and be calm.”

One night in November Wes and I were at a bar with his friends. He was sharing pitchers of beer with his friends and I was sipping on a bottle of water. He suddenly said, "You're the best girlfriend ever."

I almost choked. "What?" I asked.

"I mean, you’re out with me and my friends at a bar. You're the best," Wes said. He was drunk.

"I didn't realize we were boyfriend-girlfriend," I said. He seemed surprised that I would think this. I went on to say, "You can't assume something like this. It has to be talked about." I soon realized he was too drunk to speak to about this topic. I decided to let it drop until the next day.

The next day I made it clear that we weren't in a relationship. It was a bit funny to me. I had thought before that he would be a great match for me, but here we telling him I wasn't ready for a relationship anytime soon. For a little while I had got it in my head that he could be great for me, probably because he’d been built up in my head for two years of friendship with no dating. Now I could see how he was to date. Red flags were suddenly popping up – his constantly being broke and unable to visit me in Dallas although he made more than he should have been spending, his drunk weekend of assuming I was his girlfriend and saying, “Nice tits!” to several girls we walked by.

I was starting to learn what I didn’t want out of a relationship.

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