Sounds fishy

Jay said he didn’t want to be in a relationship for a long time, that he enjoys his life the way it is, but he does want to date me. He talked about all the things he likes about me, reasons why he thinks we would go well together, and how similar we are about some things. He just didn’t want to get into a relationship anytime soon. I teared up a little bit, I guess because I’m used to that not meaning anything good. I don’t think he noticed. But I really felt ok with it. I felt that he had a good point – being in a relationship brings a lot of expectations and having to make decisions with someone else. He said he always wants to spend his free time with me. He also said I probably shouldn’t be in a relationship anytime soon either because I seem to be growing so much as a person. He said I seem like almost a completely different girl than the one he first met, and in a good way. He also said one phrase that really stuck with me: that we need to strive to be who we want to be before getting into a relationship, to take care of ourselves first.

When I told all of this to Sophie, she said, “I don’t know; sometimes I just don’t trust that boy. He's a good friend and what not but it sounds like to me he's keeping you holding on.” I told her I didn’t think he was leading me on, but then again, I am a very gullible person. When I told Clare she just agreed that taking it slow was good.

Tyler texted me that Friday, the day I would be heading to Tulsa with Jay after work. It turned out he thought I was in a relationship. I told him no, and he said sorry. I explained that it wasn’t a problem, and I’m not necessarily ready to be in one for awhile. I said, “Relationships still seem a bit scary, like having another parent.” He said it shouldn’t be like that, that the person should be your best friend and partner in crime. I loved the partner in crime term. That definitely sounded like what I would want in a relationship.

Five o’clock finally came and I headed home to hurriedly get my stuff together before going to Tulsa. Then I drove to Jay’s apartment. His daughter was riding with us and we would be dropping her off at Jay’s grandma’s house in Oklahoma. It took an hour and a half to get to his grandma’s house. His daughter was fine for the whole ride, and barely talked. However, Jay said something that upset me.

Before we reached his grandma’s house, he told me he was going to tell her that I was his coworker if she asked. I was immediately shocked and asked why. He thought it would be too hard to explain to her, and didn’t want to say, “Well, this is just a girl I’m seeing that will be staying in a hotel with me for a few days.” That made a little sense, but I still felt weird about it. It felt like I meant absolutely nothing to him. I knew we weren’t in a relationship, but to me it sounded like he did like me a lot and may eventually be ready for that. But this statement of his blew me away. I wasn’t used to that. It didn’t feel right at all. I felt like a guy should want to introduce me to his family. I started thinking, I just want to go back home, and I wanted to be out of the car. He noticed my change in demeanor, and I told him I understood, but that it felt weird to me.

We got through dropping his daughter off. I met his grandma. She didn’t ask why I was there and he never explained who I was to him. After we left I calmed down some and the rest of the drive went smoothly.

The rest of the weekend went okay. All we did was going out to eat, driving around Tulsa, and going to the malls in the area. He wasn’t too interested in anything else…other than at night in the hotel room. I started to realize he really didn’t have much interest beyond sex and friendship. The only affection he gave me was during sex. I tried to hold his hand a few times or give him a quick kiss. He wouldn’t hold hands for more than a few seconds, and he didn’t really kiss back. He never initiated these things. I felt like I was trying too hard and it wasn’t worth it.

On Monday, I emailed Sophie and told her, “I feel a little discouraged about things with Jay. I mean, I know he does like me, but he’s not ready for a relationship. I know I’m not either, but he doesn’t act affectionate, which is kind of hard for me. I know it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like me but I still feel bad.”

I just couldn’t understand since the first night he and I were “together,” he was stroking my cheek and being sweet. That wasn’t happening anymore. That weekend he also said he would probably have less time to hang out starting in 2011 because he would be focusing a lot on work and his daughter. He kept saying he didn’t want me to get my hopes up too much, and that he never gets his hopes up. Then he added that if the emotions get too hard on me to just say something and we can stop having sex. He said we would still be friends either way. It all felt so weird to me. I was completely out of my element.

Sophie summed up her response with: “Sounds fishy.”

The situation was kind of reminding of me of a boy I liked in high school who said we couldn’t date until we both got closer to God. I didn’t think Jay was lying to me but it was a crappy feeling. I didn’t mind taking things slow but he made it sound like there was no chance.

I was extremely confused by all his words and actions because none of it added up. Sophie said it sounded like the things he was telling me were just an easy way to say he wasn’t interested. I felt so confused and annoyed by the situation. I wanted to be able to be myself completely in a relationship, and this just wasn’t going that way. Sophie added that it sounded like he was working me, that he wasn’t telling the entire truth.

She wrote, “I’ve learned that if a guy is interested in you he’ll show the affection right back.” She was right. I told myself to just enjoy being friends with him and ignore the rest. I needed to put myself first.